Touching Other Lives

On every other Wednesday night there is a gathering at our home.  Grown adults sit around our dining room table and pretend to be people in a galaxy far, far, away, or vampires and werewolves, or any number of fantastical beings.  Tabletop RPG night is always full of laughter and good company.

Tonight, as we were playing, Gwydion was wandering amongst us seeking out suckers to pet him.  Gwydion is our newest kitty, brought home by The Husbeast after being found stuck up in a tree.  Our handsome fellow was moving from person to person, demanding attention, and watching him sort of got me thinking in the back of my mind.

I believe that it is pretty common across the majority of humanity to want to leave a legacy of some kind.  We want the future to know that we were here, that we made a difference somehow.  The odds are against us, as individuals, being remembered unless we do something on the extreme ends of the good / bad scale, but it is still a hope for many.

While that is also true for me (let's be honest, here, shall we?), I was thinking tonight as I watched our boy cat induce yet another of our friends to scritch his ears, that in many ways I've already made my mark on the world even if it isn't something that will go down in the history books.  There are four lives that changed for the better, four beings who get soft, cushy beds, and bowls of food and water, and a safe place to live that is full of love that they may never have gotten if The Husbeast and I hadn't come along.

Do you know how amazing that is?  We changed their lives!  Forever!  

Jasmine didn't have to stay in her crate at the shelter any more.  She got to come home with us and discover the joys of tissue paper, plastic bags, and belly rubs.

Cobweb didn't grow up as feral, having to fight for every bite of food or struggle to find safe places to sleep.  She didn't end up getting pregnant and having litter after litter of kittens because she was out and about with no way to prevent it.  She got to come home with us and discover the magic of string, fishing pole, full body rubs, and Furminatoring.

Velcro didn't end up at a shelter where she would be killed after a week or less.  She got to come home with us and discover the happiness of pinning Mommy to the chair, smoked ham, and The Red Dot.

And now Gwydion... who didn't end up getting hit by a car or having to make his way in the world without food or shelter.  He got to come home with us and discover the joys of sliding across the wood floors at full speed, pouncing the other cats until they fuss at him, and eating us out of house and home.

Four lives that changed forever.  Maybe it isn't history-making, and maybe it isn't earth-shattering, but you know what?

The Husbeast and I...we done good.  :)

Subconscious Nightmares

I had a nightmare last night. I'm pretty sure that it was my subconscious trying to work out all of my fears about being self-employed.

I was driving somewhere in my car, which was a lovely, red convertible. I had the top down and was perfectly comfortable even though there was snow and ice around.  For some reason I had to turn around and head back the way I had come, but I wasn't sure I got on the right highway.  I got off at the next exit so that I could pull over and set up my GPS but I got caught in a bunch of traffic being re-routed around an accident that had just happened.  We ended up going down this steep hill that ended in a body of water.  I was trying to slow down so that I could turn off to the left, and hit a huge patch of ice.

The next thing I know, my car is balanced on the edge of a drop, just like you see in the movies.  The passenger side was over the edge, my side was still above solid ground but tilting, and I was trying to carefully get myself out before the car went over.  There was a woman there, loading her kids into her car, and I was screaming for help but she just looked at me with a cross between not even seeing me at all and faint contempt.  Then the car started to go.  I slid out, managed to grab something, and was hanging there, still calling to her for help while she ignored me.  She got into her truck and drove away just as I lost my grip and fell into the freezing water.

I managed to swim to shore and get back up and out as I watched three other cars / trucks go over the edge too.  They were all from small businesses too, like contractors and stuff.  I climbed up to a deck kind of overlooking the water, still not cold despite being soaked through and it obviously being winter, and could see rescue workers around where my car was, trying to see if anyone was trapped.  I called out and let them know I was safe, and they moved on to the next one.

At one point, Shado, dressed as one of the rescue workers with a hard hat and reflective vest, came up and I saw him.  I was shocked and like, "What are you doing here?" because I knew I hadn't called him yet.  My phone was in my pocket and I hadn't even seen if it was working yet.  He just looked at me, shook his head, and walked away.

Next all of us whose cars had gone swimming were in an office nearby, trying to get help, but they were extremely unhelpful. None would do anything to help us get home again. I finally got one to give me a number for a taxi service so that I could go to the bus station. I started to leave, and that's when I woke up.

I can't even begin to go over the huge amounts of symbolism that are apparent to me in that dream. Everything from "my business will fail" to "Shado will leave me over it" to "no one will care or help".  All that I can really do is let my subconscious work out its worries on its own, and keep plugging away as best I know how, as scary as it may be at times.

Being My Own Boss: WIL #1

Two months ago I got back from a long vacation from work and worked for two days before I e-mailed my Husbeast at about 10 a.m saying, "I can't do this any more."  Nothing against where I worked, it was a good job with decent people.  There was just nothing left after juggling my own business, a 40-hour a week, a home, a Husbeast, and trying to actually have a sliver of a life outside all of that once in a while (not very successfully) for so long.  To my Husbeast's credit, his reply was one sentence:  "Do what you have to do."

Ten minutes later I was speaking privately with my boss and giving her my notice.

My notice period was kind of long because there were some things we were working on that I wanted to see through to the end.  And then it was done.  Last week was my first full week as my own boss, working solely for Fat Lady Foods, LLC and I learned a lot already.  (Thus the WIL in the title, standing for "What I Learned".)  I fully expect to learn a lot more as time goes on, so I doubt this will be the only post of this nature on my blog, just the first.

And now, on to what I learned:

• Create a To Do List every day, but do it in the morning, not the night before.
• For the first week I created my To Do Lists the night before based on what hadn't been finished that day and what my priorities the next day were at the time.  What I found myself actually doing was changing the list around the next morning because during the night things had percolated in my mind and priorities had shifted without me even realizing it.  My brain has always kept working on things while I'm asleep, but have never had the extent of it so plainly demonstrated before.  So now it is clear not to make solid plans for the next day unless it is something that absolutely HAS to happen then, such as a Kitchen Day.
• Assess what was accomplished at the end of each day.
• This plays into the item above, really, as I need to know what was finished in order to be aware of what still needs to be done.  Also, it is a form of accountability for myself as I post my daily accomplishments on Facebook to a list of people who have indicated interest in seeing those posts.  This keeps me from falling into the trap of treating every day like a vacation day.  Like any job my productivity has to be evident to my boss (myself) and my supporters.  Productivity is evidence of responsible behavior.  Being irresponsible too often leads to failure, and failure leads to going back to being a Cube Farm occupant.
• Don't let my sleep patterns get messed up over the weekend.
• There really is no reason to sleep super late on weekends any more.  I am in full control of my own schedule, and if more sleep is needed, I can adjust things so that the issue is taken care of without fuss or muss.  Heck, if I need a nap for some reason, I can alter my schedule to allow time for one!  Sleep deprivation shouldn't exist in my world any more.  Admittedly, my sleep was messed up this weekend because of a stupid stomach bug that woke me up in the middle of the night and kept me awake for several hours that I normally sleep through, but when that is NOT the case there is no valid reason for me to sleep so late on a weekend that it means I can't get to sleep early enough to keep a normal schedule on Monday.
• Follow a basic routine.
• My most productive days last week were the days that I followed the same basic routine while altering the contents / tasks of said routine.  When that routine wasn't followed, I was scatterbrained and unfocused.  In other words, yet again, treat this like what it is:  my job.  It may take a while to find the optimal routine, and there's nothing saying that routine is set in stone for all of eternity.  As the backlogged items are completed  and ideas for making the business grow begin to really move forward, the needs of the company will change which will mean that the routine may have to change as well, but those changes need to be conscious changes and not just whims.
• Let myself have Sundays to play without feeling guilty about not working.
• I have to be careful with this one.  I know myself, and I know that if I am NOT careful, work stuff will start edging in on Sundays when it doesn't need to do so.  It is one thing to work on a Sunday when I am at a full weekend show or that is the only day I can book the kitchen for some reason, but in a normal week I should let myself relax and enjoy my Sundays without feeling any guilt.  No "just this one thing" exceptions allowed, because then it will become a regular occurrence.  I have definite tendencies toward workaholism.  The amusing thing is that I also have definite tendencies toward laziness.  When the two collide, it can be epic, and not always in a good way.  So there is a tightrope to be walked between keeping myself on track for full productivity, and letting it consume me to the point where there is nothing else in my life.  Neither of those options is a healthy one.

I have a lot more to learn, as stated earlier, and am still figuring this whole working for myself thing out, but I think the start that has been made is a good one.  There are things that I make sure get done every day like writing in my Commonplace Book, trying to keep a balance between getting things done for Fat Lady and getting things done that need doing around the house, and most importantly, making time to scritch the kitties throughout the day (the cats made me put that last one in - they think that should be my FIRST priority, of course!).  I make sure that to get dressed every day instead of working in my pajamas, because otherwise I won't take it seriously.

There are things that still need to be added into my schedule, but I need to get the basic format down first.  There needs to be some kind of movement every day.  Otherwise I'll sit and do spreadsheets and so on and never get over 1,000 steps a day.  I've tracked out a few potential walking routes on MapMyWalk.com and hopefully can add them in when the heat starts easing off a bit.  Until then there are fitness DVD's and movement games for the gaming console.  I can also do laps inside the house if I want to just walk. There are options, I just have to decide which one to do each day.

Overall, I think it has been a good start.  The key is to just keep building on it.

A big step

I am getting ready to make a big step, a bigger step than I've made in my life in a long, long time.  You see, Dear Readers, approximately one month ago I came back to work from a 2-week vacation.  During that time I had been able to relax, but I had also been able to get things done that I needed to get done WHEN I needed to do them.  I was able to work on my business, and do creative things like read, write, color, and cross-stitch.  My migraines were few and minor compared to normal.  I felt happy and rested.

And then I went back to work.  I lasted two days before I found myself sitting at my desk and emailing The Husbeast with the words, "I can't do this any more.".  I went over our budget, and nearly every dollar I was making was going toward extras like eating out or entertainment. So he emailed me back with the simple sentence,"Do what you have to do." and ten minutes later I was talking to my boss in the small conference room and giving my notice.  Because of circumstances at work, I gave a very extensive notice, six weeks to be exact, because I don't like to leave things unfinished and we were in the middle of some major software and procedure changes.

Now I have two weeks, seven workdays really, left before I turn in my badge and walk out of the building for good.  With every day that passes the terror-filled "Oh my gods, WHAT AM I DOING?" feelings become fewer and fewer and the excitement grows.  I have lists upon lists of things I need to do.  There are lists of things I need to catch up on for my business, lists of things I want to do going forward for my business, lists of things I want to get done around the house, lists of stories I want to write, lists of craft projects I want to complete, lists of books I want to read, lists of online courses I want to take, and so on.

I know, I know, you're saying, "But Lys, you're doing this so you can work on your business, aren't you?  How do crafting and reading and writing and so on fit in there?"

You wouldn't think that it would make a difference, would you?  But what I found over those two weeks of vacation was that by giving my mind time to be creative again, by writing and crafting and all of the other -ings I was doing, I was stretching my brain.  It had become cramped, shaped like the walls of the cube I sat in every day at work, and with that slow solidification all of my exuberance for my own business started leaking away.  The thing that I loved doing became just another chore.  I could feel myself starting to resent the idea of going to the kitchen rather than looking forward to it.  I wanted to find excuses to miss going to market days instead of being excited about introducing new people to my products. The flourescent lights and glare of the computer screen were slowly leeching away my enthusiasm and leaving me as an ennui-filled husk.

That two weeks, that stretching of my brain, re-ignited some of my joy and my creativity.  I went to the kitchen at the end of that second week with all kinds of flavor ideas teeming in my brain.  I couldn't wait to try new combinations!  I diced, smooshed, simmered, and boiled my way through almost fifteen hours of steamy kitchen time and came out with flavors I'd never made before.  Good flavors, flavors that intrigue people, flavors that people ENJOY!

THAT is my joy!  That is what I love.  And in another two weeks, THAT will be the center of my day again!  But I will also make sure that I have time to do all of those other creative things to help my brain keep stretching.  I will also make sure that there is time to work on Project Wiley - The Great Decluttering to make our home less crowded, a more relaxing place to be and an easier place to take care of on limited time.

There are still flashes of panic now and then about money, but I know this is the right thing to do.  I'm already making plans for which shows I want to rent booth space at, and how much more inventory I'll need to make next year.  It is going to be GREAT!

Politics: Democratic Party in 2016

It is no secret to anyone who knows me that I have been a Bernie Sanders supporter for the duration of this Presidential Primary season.  I feel that his positions come closest to my own stances on the various topics in question, and I believe that the direction he would lead our country in is the one that would be the best path.  Those are my opinions, and so that is where I have thrown my support.  Others have different opinions, and they have thrown their support elsewhere.  That's kind of how this whole election thing works, after all.

The Primaries are winding down, and it appears that whether I agree with the mechanics of it all or not, the Democratic Party nomination will be handed to Hillary Clinton.  There will be a lot of debate in coming days / months / years about whether there was fraud in various States or not, whether the Democratic Party manipulated the situation so that there was no way anyone but Hillary could win, and about the whole SuperDelegates issue.

That is not what this blog is about.

This blog, dear readers, is about the prominence of extremism and the inability to have rational discourse that goes along with it.

You see, I am a Bernie supporter.  I would definitely prefer that he sit in the Oval Office and influence the road our country takes toward the future.  But I ALSO admire many things about Hillary Clinton. I read her autobiography, I watched her career move forward through her husband's Presidency and her own turn in government.  I happen to believe she made an excellent Secretary of State.

Are there things about her that I don't like?  Of course. No one is perfect.  There are things about Bernie Sanders that I don't like.  I feel he is exceptionally weak on foreign policy, that were he to be elected and the composition of Congress not radically changed we would have another four years of gridlock as the Republicans spent more time worrying about how to block him than about what is good for the country, and I feel that he wants to move too fast in some ways and the instability that will cause could bring the whole house of cards tumbling down.

I believe that Hillary Clinton is too involved with corporate interests, that she won't do anything to begin removing big money from politics, that she is too steeped in the traditions of politics as usual and game playing to be able to shake things up the way they obviously NEED to be shaken up, and I also have a real problem with political dynasties such as we have been seeing over the past couple of decades.  America is not a monarchy, and the same few families should not be handing positions of power around like prizes.

Both are better options, however, than Donald Trump. He quite genuinely scares me.  He doesn't really have positions because he isn't smart enough to think through to consequences.  This is obvious from the many times he has just opened his mouth and let words fall out without thinking about what will happen after he says whatever it is he is thinking at that moment.  I believe that the world will hate us even more than it does now if he gets elected, and sadly, I believe that they will be right to do so.  He is dangerous in so many ways, and is one of the LAST people that I want to have representing me and my country.

So one would think that Bernie supporters and Hillary supporters could at least agree on this, right?  That Trump is a danger, and that for him to be elected is one of the most frightening potential realities to come along in a long, long time?  

But no.

They are so busy sniping at one another, screaming insults at one another, swearing that they WILL NOT VOTE FOR THE ENEMY that the real danger is likely going to waltz right past and into the Oval Office. But apparently that doesn't matter as much to most people as being right.  They want to be totally and completely right about who they supported.   They don't want to admit that any other choice might actually have some good points. It has become a world of all or nothing, black and white with no grey.

I'm not an absolutist, and I firmly believe in shades of grey (more than 50 of them, even!).  I believe that the vast majority of people have good in them, and the vast majority of people have evil in them, but that they keep it from taking control of them most of the time.  I believe that mercy is important but that the punishment should fit the crime.  I believe that misogyny, racism, body policing, ableism, and other forms of discrimination will always exist but I also believe that as humanity continues to grow in awareness such opinions will become less and less socially acceptable.

I believe that there is a lot of potential in this world and that someday we will actually unlock it all.  But that won't happen until the day comes when we can stop acting like toddlers and throwing temper tantrums when every little thing isn't done exactly as we wish. We have to keep working for change, but we also have to accept that it takes time, there will occasionally be steps backwards as those who are frightened of it all temporarily gain control for a time and try to rewind the clock, but that will pass and gradually change WILL happen.  Patience, persistence, and flexibility in our thinking is what will win the day.

Peace be with you...

Dear people trying to pick a fight with me on the internet:

It isn't going to work. Thank you for playing. Have a nice day. No, really, I hope that you have a nice day. I hope that you find a flower to smell that brightens your mood. I hope that a stranger does you a kindness that makes you smile. I hope that you hear from someone you care about and haven't talked to in a while and you get to laugh about all of those old jokes you haven't thought of in a long, long time. I hope that you have your favorite food for dinner tonight. I hope that you have restful sleep and happy dreams tonight. I hope that all of the things that are good and kind and peaceful happen today and help you move past the momentary impulse that pushed you to try and engage someone in a moment of anger over something relatively trivial on a faceless, anonymous media. I hope that you have a lovely day. I hope that we all do.

Sincerely,
Me

Dear Doctor Fatphobe

As any fat person can tell you, going to the doctor for even the most minor problem is a huge ordeal.  Unless you are one of the lucky few who has a doctor who treats you as a person instead of as a fat person, you are subjected to endless lectures, tsking, and forms of fat shaming.  It really is no wonder that a large number of fat people wait until their problems are serious to get medical help instead of seeking treatment when things could be caught early and dealt with easily.  When the people who are supposed to be helping you spend the whole time making you feel like dirt, it really isn't incentive to get you into their offices.

I am lucky.  I have had my doctor for around sixteen years, and we understand one another.  She slips every once in a while and starts to fall back into the flawed medical system mindset, but then snaps out of it with a simple comment from me about how I don't think that way and prefer to follow a Health at Every Size approach to things.  I can't blame her for those slips, she is surrounded by cult propaganda all day every day.  But generally my doctor visits aren't too bad, and we have a good working relationship.

Recently she decided she'd had enough of dealing with insurance companies and their interference in how she treated her patients.  The Husbeast and I totally supported her in this, as there was no reason for her to get penalized if my weight didn't go down to some arbitrary number or the like.  So she left her practice and joined another one, one that doesn't take insurance.  It is out of network for us, so involves more paperwork and we have to pay up front, but she's an excellent doctor and we like her, so we don't mind.

Let me amend that a little.  I don't mind, as long as I get to see her when I go in.  Two of the last three times I have gone in, I have seen the other doctor in the practice. I am telling you know, that in the future, no matter what my condition, I am calling to see if MY doctor is in and taking patients that day before I go in. If she is not, then I am going to urgent care instead. The following letter is to the other doctor in the practice, the doctor who I shall call Dr. Fatphobe.

Dear Dr. Fatphobe:

I was recently in your office and my doctor was away for the day.  This is the second time that has happened, and as far as I am concerned it is the last.  I have given you two chances, and both times I walked out of the office incoherent with rage at the things you said and did.

To begin with, I would like to point out that just because I am fat, it does NOT give you any excuse to speak condescendingly to me.  The fact that I had to pull out my coldest 'shut down' tone to get you to stop lecturing me about my life choices, even though you have no idea what they are since you didn't bother to ask about my typical diet or exercise habits, did not start the appointment off on the right foot.  And, by the way, trying to sell me your weight loss book during our first appointment together did not really make a great first impression.  Rather, it made me take an instant dislike that this second appointment only confirmed.

I have been diabetic for some time now.  I know what a1C is, and I know that it is different from the numbers that I test for in the mornings.  I also know that I do not have the equipment to test for a1C at home, so it is impossible for me to track on my own. You should know that as well, so do NOT treat me as an idiot and start simplistically docsplaining the difference to me.  You asked how my blood sugars have been running, I answered with the information available to me. If you wanted to know how my a1C's had been running, you should have asked, and I would have politely informed you of the fact that I cannot test for those at home (a fact you should already know).

Lastly, when my blood pressure reading is within the normal range, I do NOT feel that it is acceptable to prescribe me a blood pressure medication just because I am fat.  Especially when I have previously expressed a distrust of statins and the damage that they do to the body.  I do not feel that the good they do outweighs their dangers, especially in my situation where my blood pressure is NORMAL TO BEGIN WITH!  So, thank you for completely disregarding my feelings and including the prescription in with the others anyway.  The pharmacy filled it...and it is sitting on my counter, where it will remain...unused...until I find a safe disposal site to get rid of it.

You, Dr. Fatphobe, are an ass.  You do not listen to me because you seem to feel that my being fat means that I am too stupid and / or irresponsible to know anything about my own health.  That condescending dismissiveness of yours has been experienced by me for the last time.  I shall no longer accept you as a physician.  If you are the only one in the office, I shall either come back on another day, or go to urgent care.  I will let my own doctor know how unhappy I am with how you treated me, and that I refuse to ever see you again.  I deserve better than you offer, and unlike so many who still suffer under the weight of society's teachings, I have learned that I have the right to tell you just what I think and where you can go..and I am now doing so.

Do not expect to ever see me again, unless it is to be walking past one another as I see your partner at your practice.

No love, or like, or even kind consideration,

The Fat Lady

(Note:  It has been pointed out to me that statins are for cholesterol, not blood pressure.  Now, it is possible that he misspoke, or that I misheard.  I am not sure which it is.  My cholesterol numbers are also fine as of my last testing, so either way, I don't need the medication.  I don't discount the idea that I misheard as I am human and I was so furious at that point in time I was pretty much at my limits.  Either way, the medication was prescribed for fatness, not for a legitimate medical condition.)