Monday, October 23, 2017

Fan Days 2017 - Moments in Time

This year's Fan Days was a bit different for me.  For the first time I worked with Guest Services instead of working as a Crew Member.  My job was twofold: 1) coordinate with the Guest Liaisons to be sure that we had coverage for our Guests at all times, and 2) make sure that if the guests or their representatives / Managers / assistants needed anything, it was taken care of to the best of my ability.  While that may sound very glamorous, it really meant that I spent most of my weekend riding freight elevators between floors 1, 3, and 4, with brisk mission-based bursts of walking between elevator rides.

I did have some memorable moments, however, and I want to put them down so I can remember them all.


  • Won a bet with Kristian Nairn that he is younger than me.  He says I wear my age well.
  • Bruce Boxleitner tells some of the best stories.  According to him, George Lucas' nickname for Glen Larson after Battlestar Galactica came out in 1979 was "Glen Larceny" because Lucas felt BSG was a Star Wars ripoff.
  • Ruth Connell is wee and beautiful and kind.  Her rep, Liam, is very intense while doing his job, but has a fun sense of humor, and offered me a selfie with HIM for my birthday.  I took him up on it, and took Ruth up on her offer too when it was made.
  • Madelaine Petsch and I were destined to keep meeting in the same exact place in the backstage hallway.  We were constantly running into one another there.  Luckily we weren't literally running into each other, because I would have smooshed her.
  • Eugene Brave Rock is a very kind, mellow man.  He has a wide-eyed kind of joy when it comes to being at conventions.  I hope that he never loses that sense of fun and wonder.
  • Mara Wilson doesn't catch sarcasm, so you have to tell her you're being sarcastic, which can lead to some very amusing moments.
  • I am very honored and pleased that Austin St. John remembered me from when I moderated a Q&A with him and some other Power Ranger folks.  His kids are adorable. His wife is lovely. And if I ever interview him again, one of my questions has to be "What is the absolute best conversation you've ever had with a fan since you started doing conventions?"  If his answer isn't "Paleontology", then I get to harass him about it. :)
  • Jeremy Jordan is a nice kid.  I didn't get to talk much with him, but his rep and I got along really well, especially after I found her missing sweater for her.  It's a Weeping Angels cardigan, and they don't make them any more, so she was so very happy she hadn't lost it.
  • I didn't get to talk to David Tennant much, really, just some passing "Hi" and "Hello"s in the hallway, but he seemed very energetic, very pleasant, cheerful, and really seems to enjoy meeting his fans.
  • I hardly got to see Graham McTavish, but again, he seemed nice.  His rep was very cool and appreciative of all of the work our team was doing.
  • Kristian Nairn fully expects me to show up at his next Dallas gig.  I'm to stand at the foot of the stage holding a Sprite in one hand, and a bag of cough drops in the other.  I'm seriously considering sending a six-pack of Sprite and a large bag of honey lemon cough drops to the venue for him the next time he comes here. *LOL*
  • "Et tu, Brute? Et tu?"
  • The Chef and kitchen staff at Irving Convention Center do a really amazing job of things.  The Guests were very happy with the food in the Green Room, and a few even told me it was the best food they'd ever had at a convention.  I made sure to let the Chef know this, and to thank him and ask that he pass the thanks on to his team.
  • I had an "Aw, shucks" moment when one of the ICC kitchen staff stopped me and said, "You work very hard.  I don't know what you do, but you work very hard.  You're also a very pleasant person.  I hope that they bring you back next time."  I didn't really do anything special, I just treated them all like the human beings they are by greeting them with a smile, asking how their days were going, and being my normal self.  That said, I really appreciated his words.
  • Dara, Maresa, and I bonded over the fact that if you're name isn't "normal", then people will mispronounce it all of the time.  Eventually you start just answering to any version that gets close enough.
  • Italian Cafe on Las Colinas Blvd is amazing.  Some of the best Italian food I've had since moving to Texas.  If you get Benny as your server, leave him a big tip.  He's awesome.
  • Having everyone from Guests, to reps, to other staff and crew wishing you happy birthday all day is pleasantly surprising and adds an extra smile to an already happy day.
  • Note to self:  ALWAYS remember to take a portable charger. ALWAYS.
  • Personal surprise: I can do 12,000+ steps for three days in a row without dying.  Who knew???

There are other moments that are in my mind, but those are going in my private journal.  All in all, it was an amazing weekend.  I'm happy I could help Jessica and take some of the load off her shoulders so she could focus on other things.  My Guest Liaisons did an amazing job.  My Runners were on top of things and made sure that Guests made it to where they had to be on time without me having to ride herd on anyone.  I really enjoyed doing this more than I thought I would.  I was afraid that switching roles from my usual to this would take some of the joy out of things for me.  I guess I really AM hard-wired to want to make sure others are enjoying themselves and have everything that they need to make their lives easier.

Fun weekend.  I hope I get to do it again sometime. 

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Leveling Up - Skill: Rebellion Against Societal Expectations

I am proud to announce that in 2017 I have leveled up my Rebellion Against Societal Expectations Skill.  I have worked hard to increase this skill, doing radical things like accepting myself as I am, and telling the dieting world where to go.

As the weather got warmer, however, I faced another hurdle.  This is a hurdle that I have struggled with since my late teens / early 20's.  Even as I began entering the body positivity world, this issue haunted me.  I was talking a good game, but there was a niggling doubt in the back of my mind that I wasn't truly walking the walk yet.  How long could I continue to pretend that this was all right?  How long could I maintain the charade that I was comfortable with myself if I kept this secret?

But now, now I have conquered that challenge!  I have prevailed in the next step toward complete acceptance of myself!  IT IS DONE!!!!

What is this horrible secret, you ask?  What is it that I've done to take this important next step?

Are you ready for it?

Really?

I...

have...

been...

wearing...

TANK TOPS!

That's right!  I have been letting my upper arm waddles swing in the breeze freely!  No more trapping them inside sleeves when it is 105 degrees out!

I know, there are a lot of people out there who think that this is no big deal.  When it gets hot, you wear shorts and tank tops.  Everyone does, right?

If you WERE just thinking that, I have to tell you that you are caught in what is most likely unintentional acceptance of societal thin privilege.  We're taught to think that way, you know, from when we are small.  But it is true all the same.

Fat people aren't allowed that freedom,  you see.  Society expects us to hide our bodies from view. It's as though people are afraid that by looking at our upper arm waddles, our rolls, and our roundness, they will accidentally get infected with The Fat Virus.  Then, the next thing they know, they will *gasp* be...be...FAT!  *clutches pearls*

The thing is, this damaging view of life isn't restricted to the fat world.  I know many people who would fall into what society considers to be the 'normal size' range who still fret at revealing their upper arms.  They worry that their arms will somehow be seen as grotesque or disgusting.  And so they, too, feel the pressure to remain as physically perfect as they can, hiding what many consider to be a flaw by wearing sleeves long enough to cover their upper arms at the very least.

It's sad that anyone feels that they need to hide part of themselves just so that other people won't be discomfited.  We are who we are, and no one has the right to tell us that we should be different.  If we decide to make changes in our lives, that is completely our own call.

Thus I decided to face my own next demon.  Much to my pleasure, the world did not end.  No one has made an effort to go out of their way to point and laugh, or to mock me. As a matter of fact, no one else even cared that I didn't have sleeves.  And I get to enjoy feeling one less layer of clothing, and one less artificial constraint.

Rebellion Against Societal Expectations leveled up to Body Positivity 6!

Monday, June 19, 2017

Balancing Act

Before I get started, I want to make something very clear to everyone.  I do not believe that being in optimum health is an obligation for anyone.  We all have our own choices to make, and if we CHOOSE to tune into our health and do things for our bodies that make us feel stronger and better able to withstand the constant wearing down of our daily routines, tasks, responsibilities, and stress, then that's awesome.  But in the same vein, if we decide that other aspects of our lives are currently taking priority for us, then that is awesome too!  There's no need to feel guilt because you don't run a 5K every day, or because you hear someone say, "I'm going to be bad and eat half a cookie!" when you're on your second one.  As my friends like to say, "You do you."  In other words, the only person you have to answer to for your actions is yourself. You can choose to answer to others for a time, or you can choose not to listen to anyone else and deal with the consequences that result, but it is YOUR choice.

There.  Now that's out of the way, and I can get on with today's post! :)

I am a believer in Intuitive Eating.  I encourage people to stop following meal plans and start actually listening to our bodies again.  Most people worry that they won't be able to stop eating if they give themselves permission to eat whenever their body says to do so.  If you talk to most IE folks, though, you'll hear the same thing over and over.  When they first stopped restricting foods and classifying foods as 'good' and 'bad', they went a bit crazy.  All of the things they never let themselves have before, or only allowed on special occasions, were their focus.  Their minds and bodies hadn't trusted them in their undertaking, and reacted like this freedom would end and the food would go away again.

After a period of time that varies from person to person, your mind and your body begin to work together and trust in each other.  The Intuitive Eater learns to ask themselves, "Why am I wanting this?  Do I REALLY want it, or am I afraid if I don't eat it now, I'll not get another chance?" If they decide that yes, they really want whatever it is, they eat it without guilt or feeling like they'll have to punish their body later for the enjoyment now.  The other key is that Intuitive Eaters re-learn how to stop when they are pleasantly full.

We all knew how to do that when we were children, but eventually we have been taught not to trust in what our body was telling us.  We were told when we would eat ("Your lunch period is from 11 to 11:30, that's when you'll eat whether you're hungry or not.).  We were told what we would eat ("That's what for dinner.  Either you'll eat it or you'll go to bed hungry.").  We were told how much we would eat, ("Clean your plate! There are starving children who would love to have that food!" or "Your breakfast today is half a grapefruit with no sweetener, one slice of dry toast, and a quarter of a cup of cottage cheese.  If you think you're hungry, just drink some water until you're full.")

When people return to IE, they learn to pay attention to what they're eating.  Does the food still taste as good as it did on the first bite?  If not, you may be getting full but your brain hasn't caught up with your stomach yet.  Are you starting to feel physically uncomfortable? Then you may have eaten past your full point, so next time you'll listen a bit better to your body's signals.  Does the food even taste good at all?  Or are you eating it for other reasons?  Maybe you're thirsty.  Maybe this particular food is one you've severely restricted in the past.  It's important to know just what's going on in your head and in your stomach.

I'm not saying that people with food-related health issues should ignore them and just eat whatever.  If you are truly dealing with diagnosed conditions like celiac, Crohn's, diabetes, arthritis, IBS,or any number of other issues, then pay attention to what your doctors say.  But there's a huge difference between avoiding wheat because it causes you physically to get sick, and avoiding bread because Weight Watchers or the latest popular diet says to do so.

For me, I am dealing with diabetes.  I have to pay close attention to my protein intake, and my carb intake.  This isn't because I say they're either 'bad' or 'good' foods, but because my glucose levels change based on how much of them I eat, and there are physical consequences for ignoring that fact.  Since I really don't want to have to start injecting myself with insulin, and I really don't feel like having my blood sugar go so high that I end up in a hospital, I track those things and adjust them as needed.

But I never, EVER deny myself the right to eat the things I want.  I may not be able to have that ice cream right now because I just had a cookie and my blood sugar will go through the roof, but I WILL be able to have it later!

Sometimes it is frustrating because I can easily start to fall back into the dieting mentality. When you've thought a certain way for your whole life, it's not always easy to stay on the new path.  The old path is ingrained and our minds can so easily fall back into old habits without us even realizing it is happening. That is when we need to be able to pull ourselves up short and determine if we are still following our new path and aiming for our new goals of having a good relationship with food, or if we have begun classifying food into 'good' and 'bad' categories again, and if we're denying ourselves things even when we could safely eat them.

It is time to re-learn how to eat.  Food isn't good or bad, eating is not a morality play.  Let yourself have the things you love until you are honestly satisfied.  You'll be surprised at how quickly you find yourself pulling free of the diet mentality.

I'm by no means an expert at it, but I know what I've done in terms of my own journey.  If anyone is interested in knowing more or asking questions, you all know where to find me!  But right now, I'm going to have a scoop of ice cream. *grin*

Monday, May 29, 2017

Court Lady down! We have a Court Lady down!!!

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was once a member of the Performing Company at Scarborough Renaissance Festival.  For those who aren't familiar with how RenFests work, the performing company is the "atmosphere".  They are the people who dress in the costumes and walk around the festival (known as performing in the lanes), and do improvisational theater with the crowds on a 360-degree stage.  There is a difference between performing company members and those who are called 'playtrons'.  Playtrons also wear costumes, and sometimes even interact with the shorts and t-shirt crowd, but they buy their tickets, do not attend the weeks of workshops where cast members learn about improv / history / customs / manners / dialect / and so on, their costumes are not subject to the costuming standards of the festivals, and they are not held to the character standards that the cast is required to adhere to, such as not using plastic or paper products like paper plates or plastic cups or no smoking in the lanes.

I spent almost a decade as a lane performer at Scarborough. Circumstances required me to leave cast, but once you are a member of SAPA, you're always part of SAPA.  When you get the chance to visit the festival in costume, the current cast members welcome you back with open arms, and treat you as one of their own.  Most former cast members fall right back into the habits ingrained in them and find themselves following the rules for cast, and entertaining the crowds.

I went back to Scarborough once this year, specifically taking Gertrude Courtenay, Marchioness of Exeter as my character because the gentleman playing my character's husband had brought that character back this year and asked me to visit as this particular character because he would love a last chance to perform with his "wife".  Never one to want to disappoint a close friend, I put on the 40+ pounds of costume, got laced into a corset, and did the thing.  It was a great day, overall, and I had a lot of fun playing with friends, interacting with the crowd, and getting compliments on my outfit.

One thing I learned about myself that day, however, was pleasantly surprising.

Picture three Court Ladies taking their time strolling around the faire.  We jokingly called ourselves The Broken Ladies because all three of us have various and assorted physical issues.  One has EDS, one was badly injured in a car crash years ago and still needs a cane to get around, and then there's me...dealing with rheumatoid arthritis and nerve damage in my knees along with weak ankles. But we had fun, taking our time going from patch of shade to patch of shade because, well, Texas in the Spring has temperatures that rival other places in deep Summer.

As a group we decided that our next stop was a shaded picnic table.  Sadly it was one of the tables that had the benches attached to the table, rather than the kind you could move the benches away from and pull them back in.  I wasn't really worried about it at the time.  I've maneuvered my hoop skirts around those types of tables many times.  I forgot that I was out of practice.

I began the complex negotiations between skirts and bench, trying to slide in carefully.  I was almost there, I had JUST about made it, when it happened.  I felt the hoops catch on the end of the bench and I knew, even as I was going over, that I was going to end up on the ground.  My friend, Suzy, said that I did an absolutely perfect shoulder roll as I went over (compliments to my various and assorted stage combat teachers!) and the next thing I know, I'm faceplanting into the grass.

Even as few as five years ago, I would have been angry, mortified, and horrified at the spectacle I had been, and at the spectacle I would be trying to get to my feet.  But this day I found that I had honestly and truly progressed further than I thought on my journey of self-acceptance because all that I could do at that point was roll over into a sitting position....and laugh.  There was no feeling of embarrassment.  I did not want to sink into the ground and disappear. All I wanted to do was laugh because it was such a ridiculous situation.

Eventually we rounded up the Archbishop of Canterbury, one Royal Guard, and three of the Cardinal's Guard to heave me up to my feet.  Me, plus 40+ pounds of costuming, plus a corset that didn't help my movement any, plus the bad knees and ankles doesn't add up to anything resembling a featherweight!  But they got me to my feet, I brushed myself off, thanked them profusely, and we all went back to our day once it was determined that I hadn't injured myself at all in the fall.

I know it doesn't seem like much to people who have never had to deal with society turning everyone who has a body shape that is similar into a joke.  Fat pratfalls are hilarious, right?  They are a cornerstone of TV and movie comedy.  It's hilarious to see the fatty fall on their face and then flail around trying to get up.  But to me, the fact that I could deal with this by just laughing and not thinking about how the people around us saw the fall, well that is amazing.  Forgive my humour, but it is HUGE to me that I've reached the point in my self-acceptance journey that I could not worry about people's impressions of me because I'm fat and I fell, but instead that I could laugh at the graceless circumstances that led to the whole thing.  I wasn't embarrassed that it took five people to get me to my feet, I was just grateful that they were there and chivalrous enough to help.

I have grown into my skin just a bit more.  I am who I am. This makes me happy.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

"You've lost weight, haven't you?" (Warning: Possible triggers)

Life's like a road that you travel on
When there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside every darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won't hesitate break down the garden gate
There's not much time left today
Life is a highway
I want to ride it all night long
Life is a Highway - Tom Cochrane

As a practicing intuitive eater, and someone who believes in Health at Every Size, I prefer to avoid discussions of weight, especially in relation to it going up and down.  Sometimes, though, someone will look at someone else and say those words, "You look like you've lost weight!"

The person saying the words inevitably believes with their heart and soul that they are delivering a compliment.  It is honestly difficult for the vast majority of people in this day and age to understand completely how those words can become something else.  For a person with an eating disorder, they could act as a trigger.  For someone with low self-confidence or who hates their body, they could actually hear "You look like you're FINALLY losing some of that weight!  Thank God!  It's about time you lazy blob!"

It has taken a lot of work on my mind, my emotions, and That Little Voice in my head, but I have finally reached a place in my life where I hear both what the person is saying, and what they are meaning, which...most often...is just "You look really happy with yourself."  And heck, for all that I know, I may actually have lost weight.  I don't weigh myself often, and have been known to bob back and forth amongst the same twenty or so pounds quite easily.  *shrug*  It doesn't matter to me, as I weigh what I weigh at any given moment and I don't care to try and manipulate that particular fact even temporarily.

But I am one of the lucky ones, to have reached this place, this state of mind.  So many out there are still struggling with being happy with themselves as they are, and what that means.

I guess the biggest part of the struggle for me was realizing that I can be happy with myself as I am, and yet still have goals to achieve.  I can be happy that I can walk two miles per hour, and still want to reach the goal of walking three miles per hour without making my current state any less important and valid.  I can be happy with my blood sugars as they are but still look for ways to keep them more consistently within the range my doctor would prefer.  I can be happy that I don't get out of breath climbing three stairs (not three flights, three STAIRS) but still have the goal of not being out of breath after climbing ten stairs.

In the modern Western world, especially, we are conditioned that not being the best is equivalent to not trying at all.  If you aren't the best, you've got to be the extreme opposite, the worst, as opposed to just not being the best.  I'm not saying that everyone should get participation trophies in everything we do, because that doesn't help us learn anything about ourselves either.  What I AM saying is that we need to work on the idea that you can be the best YOU that is possible right now, while still having room to be a better YOU tomorrow, but that being a better you tomorrow doesn't mean that today's you sucked.  It just means that you've learned something new, you've expanded your abilities, and that you have taken another step down the path of life.

How each person reaches that state of mind is a completely individual experience.  We can share our own experiences and empathize with similarities, but no one can truly fully comprehend what someone else's path is like. No one should expect someone else to fully comprehend, not really.  What they should expect, though, is that they can look around, listen to others, feel empathy and sympathy, and begin learning from the lessons others have already gone through.  It can help lay the foundation for their own lessons, and while they'll find their own path to the next stopping place, just knowing that others have had similar struggles can sometimes make all of the difference in the world.

Find those places, those people who can share their experiences and that you can share yours with comfortably.  Talk, listen, and support one another.  Continue using that support to help yourselves move forward.  Use that support if you need to pause for a moment and take a break from the forward motion for a bit.  It's okay.  We aren't perpetual motion machines, we need to rest once in a while.  Take each step and assess whether you're ready to move forward or need more time to process.  Eventually you'll be ready for the next one.

All of this is, I guess, meant to say that you are amazing. I am amazing.  We're all pretty darned awesome just as we are.  There's room to move forward, but if we want to just be who we are right now for a while, there's nothing wrong with that.

Be gentle with yourselves, my friends.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Down Into The Black

It is going to be a rough weekend.

I closed down my online shop today.  I've been procrastinating on it because, I guess, as long as it was still up I thought there was a chance, a small, tiny chance, that I could bring my business back.  But now that I have cancelled my business insurance, I really can't sell any more.  So I shut it down.

I'm also going to work on pulling everything out of the Fat Lady room this weekend, so that I can go through it all, organize it, and put it back in so that it can handle some long-term storage without being under our feet all of the time.

I still hope that I can re-start my business.  The Husbeast keeps saying it will be next year, no longer, but he's a lot more optimistic than I am right now.

Funny, I thought I was past the point of crying, but I guess I'm not.

Yeah, it's going to be a dark weekend.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

LiveBlog: Annual Re-reading of "Health at Every Size" by Dr. Linda Bacon

I try to read this book every year or so to get myself back into the mindset needed for effective mindful eating.  I've found that mindful eating works the best for me.  Other people's mileage may vary, but overall following this philosophy has given me a much healthier relationship with food.  I don't obsess about it any more, I don't do fad diets any more, and I enjoy my food for what it is instead of what it SHOULD be.

On that note, this passage from page 106 always strikes home with me, so I post it here:

There's one nutritional concept that seems to make a healthy relationship with food particularly difficult, and that's the idea that some foods are good while others are bad.  Labeling a food good or bad stops you from questioning and discovery.  If you label a Twinkie as bad, you are not able to observe its effects on you, and you lose the opportunity to learn from it.  On the other hand, if you maintain a neutral attitude, you can watch your response to that Twinkie.

You can be more perceptive to its flavor, noticing whether it really tastes good to you, or if it was just the idea that tasted good (my emphasis).  Perhaps you learn that it doesn't satisfy your craving - that there was something else you really wanted that the Twinkie can't provide.  Perhaps you become more sensitive to your taste buds toning down after the first few bites, making the next bites less pleasurable.  Or perhaps you notice that half an hour after indulging in that Twinkie, your energy crashes and you start craving sugar again.  This information will ultimately affect your taste for Twinkies in the future.

Is eating that Twinkie good or bad?  It all depends on how frequently you eat it, how much you eat, what else you eat it with, whether you were attentive to it...Rather than eliminating these variables, we need to listen to them.  By staying connected to your body, some foods may lose their appeal or you may no longer be driven to over-indulge.

So, in answer to the questions, "Is [fill in the blank] bad?," the response is, "Of course not."  We simply need to respect it.  Let it teach us whether or not we want to indulge or when enough is enough.

It may sound crazy at first, I know that when I first began attempting to follow this way of life, my concern was that I would go crazy and eat chocolate, ice cream, and so on without stopping and I would just end up killing myself with high blood sugar or a heart attack or whatever.  The funny thing is that I found out something:  when you listen, I mean really slow down and LISTEN, to what your body is telling you, the things you find yourself eating vary across the full spectrum of foods.  Nowadays I find myself craving salads and fruit as much as I find myself craving sweets.  But more importantly, when I DO crave sweets, I go ahead and have them!  Instead of shoving them into my mouth as fast as I can eat them because I'm not sure when I will get them again, though, I eat slowly.  I actually take the time to enjoy the flavor and the texture of things.  This allows me to also pay attention to my body's responses to them.  There really is a moment when things go from tasting amazing to tasting 'meh', when my body signals that the craving has been satisfied and enough has been eaten.

In the past, I would have just kept eating until all of the food I was eating was gone, whether it made me nauseous or not, whether I was full or not, it didn't matter because I was so used to depriving myself that my instinct was to binge when I had the chance.

I feel free now, and it is wonderful.  I am free to have chocolate when I want it.  I am free to eat an apple when I want it.  I am free to make steak for dinner one night, and veggie stir fry the next, all because I am learning how to listen to those signals that I spent years suppressing by following the instructions of so many diet plans.  Eat this, don't eat that, eat now, don't eat then, none of that matters.  What matters is that my body actually KNOWS what is best for it and now that I've begun trusting it again, the signals just keep getting stronger.

This is why I re-read this book so often.  It reminds me of thoughts and ideas that can get drowned out by the constant pounding of our "thin is in" society against our brains.  It is easy to give in to the pressures brought to bear by that society.  This book helps me fight those pressures and stay true to myself.