Friday, August 28, 2015

Sometimes I get tired of fighting, but I will continue to do so even though I'm tired.

I just saw a clickbait article on someone else's Facebook feed.  The title was:  "20 people confess to the fattest thing they have ever done.  These are sickening."

I don't understand the linking of the words "fat" and "sickening".  I'm fat, and I would like to think that I'm rarely sickening (though sometimes I may step into that arena deliberately to be outrageous, but it never has anything to do with my size).  Fat is just a word that describes the physical form of a body.  It doesn't mean "sickening", or "gross", or "slovenly", or "lazy", or "stupid" or any number of other negative connotations.  I wish that people would stop adding to those assumptions by supporting that kind of association with the word.  I'm fat.  I'm smart. I have good hygiene.  My house is cluttered, but not dirty.  I am many things, but despite my comments about having the occasional lazy day, I really am NOT a lazy person.  I get a lot done with my life.

It really is frustrating and tiring to constantly be battling against such stereotypes.  And before anyone says that I don't have to battle them, please stop and think.  I battle them just by existing.  Every time I get on an airplane and see the panic in people's faces as I approach them or the relief as I pass them by, I fight the battle.  Every time that I go to a theatre and find the seats give me bruises on my hips, I fight the battle.  Every time I see a commercial showing someone proclaiming how much better they are as a person because they lost X amount of weight, I fight the battle.

I don't think that people who don't fight battles on a daily basis can understand how wearing it can be on you.  It is exhausting, and because it is something that really cannot change (95% of people who lose large amounts of weight regain it, usually plus some, within five years), the battle will never end.  I can survive anything for the short term.  I know I can, I've done it.  But knowing that you will fight the same battle over again tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, every day until you say that it wears you down is a vast understatement.

The fight will continue, though.  Hopefully someday there will come a day when people don't judge.  That day will not ever happen in my lifetime, but maybe by fighting my fight, I can help inch us toward that goal.  An inch isn't very far when there are thousands of miles to go, but inches add up.

That's what I tell myself, anyway, on days like today when I'm feeling tired and worn down.  Hopefully this inch will add up to the rest eventually.  Even though right now it feels like there's no forward motion at all.