Compassion Fatigue

 I've hit the wall, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.  I'm done with people who are anti-mask or anti-vaccine, or both.  

This past weekend was Oktoberfest here in Downtown, and we were one of the few stores requiring masks.  We had piles and piles of boxes of individually wrapped masks with really cool patterns on them for anyone who didn't have their own. We gave them away for free. People had to wear them for the 10 minutes or so that they were browsing in the store. That's not really much to ask.

And yet...

We got yelled at, told how ridiculous asking people to wear masks was, and huffily told that people would just go elsewhere to spend their money.

Okay.  Buh bye.  I'm not really upset that you didn't come into my store.  You see, I prefer to share my enthusiasms with people who actually CARE about others, and who aren't narcissistic, ignorant, obnoxious Typhoid Mary Wannabes. I wouldn't care about you people at all if it weren't for the fact that you're potentially infecting other people due to your idiocy.

Then there's the fact that when you DO get it, you'll forget everything you ever said about how science and the doctors are wrong, and go running to the hospital to be cured.  You'll take space from people who did everything right, but now can't get a hospital bed when they come in due to a heart attack or car accident or some other need.  You'll kill them because of your selfishness.

I have no more sympathy for you.  They're calling it 'compassion fatigue', and I think that name fits well. I'm normally a compassionate person, but I'm so tired now. I'm tired of a culture that puts the self before the welfare of the community. I'm tired of people refusing to do small things for the common good out of the belief that it somehow tramples on some fictitious right to disregard the welfare of everyone around them.

If you refused to get the vaccine and / or refused to wear a mask, I will do nothing for you. I will give my utmost to assist those who did everything they were supposed to do but are dealing with the results of your selfishness.  You wanted to go it alone, well do that. You can lie in the bed of your own making, gasping for air and hallucinating from fever, and be proud of the fact that you didn't give in to that whole Fake COVID Thing.

Congratulations. You're independent of everyone and everything. Enjoy it.

Just don't look to me for help. My compassion is gone, and my soul is too fatigued to do anything more. 

All thanks to you.

The Insidious Dark Cloud

 Depression is a sneaky SOB. One minute you are fine, and the next thing you know you are surrounded by a dark, impenetrable cloud. It was following you the whole time, just waiting for you to let your guard down so that it could swoop in and envelop you without warning.

Today was going fine. We were busy at the store. I was knocking out tasks and getting things done. Then suddenly one more thing landed on my plate before I was ready for the additional load. That was all it took. The cloud descended, and I tripped, falling into the deep well I hadn't seen in front of me.

It's really hard when that happens. I find myself torn between breaking out in hysterical tears or throwing things just to hear them smash in order to get at least a little catharsis. Of course, I don't usually do either, since breaking things doesn't really help and then you have to pay for replacements, and bursting into tears at the workplace only serves to make others uncomfortable, which makes you feel guilty, and just makes things spiral even more out of control.

So, I gritted my teeth, did my best not to bite anyone's head off, and powered through to the end of the night. Because that's what you do, right?

The Husbeast indulged me, and we went through the DQ drive-thru so I could get the soft serve cone I've been craving for three weeks, but even that was an exercise in frustration. 

In the end, I got my chocolate-dipped cone, Pancake got his Pup Cup, and The Husbeast got his Blizzard. (Though he just tried to inhale a chocolate chip. THAT didn't go well, but no ambulance was required.)

Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully a good night's sleep will push the cloud back away for a while and I'll be able to get some more of the always-increasing list of tasks completed. 

Maybe I'll even be able to hold the cloud off for a while. That would be a nice change of pace.

Unseen Costs

 We all know there are many costs related to the pandemic. There are obvious costs, most importantly the lives lost, and there are not so obvious costs. These are the ones that the average person doesn't see directly, though they may be effected peripherally.  I just spent the last hour dealing with one of those costs.

It is said all of the time, "The pandemic has completely jammed up the supply lines of the world.". We grumble because our package takes a little longer to get to us, or prices are going up on things, but believe me when I say that the average person has no idea at all of what chaos is happening.

My current example is shopping bags. Not a glamorous item, really, nor one that most people give any thought toward, but an item that is absolutely necessary for ANY retail operation. I placed an order for shopping bags with our supplier over a month ago, and it has been a horrible experience NOT of their making. 

Firstly, there is a limit on how many you can buy at once right now. I was allowed to order two boxes of 250 bags each for each color and size that we use.  Our store currently uses five different bags, each a different size and color, as we have products that range from the size of a single die to boxes that are nearly two feet by one foot by one foot.  It's crazy, but that's the comic and game industry for you. But that meant that I could only order approximately 500 bags of each size / color.  We go through that many bags of our most used size in a month or so. The other sizes not so much, but our main bag pretty much flies out the door because it is a perfect size for comic books, trade paperbacks (aka graphic novels), Funko POP! figures, a large number of hobby supplies, and so on. 

But I needed them, so even if I could only get a limited amount, it was no biggie, I would just place another order as soon as they shipped. Right? Yeah...no.  I ordered them in mid-August, and it is now mid-September. When I spoke to the supplier today, there will probably be another two-week delay before they get shipped out.  I'm completely out of three of the five sizes we use, and I won't get ANYTHING for another two to four weeks minimum.

When I spoke to the supplier, they highly recommended that I put in another order right now as the supply lines are so backlogged. It's easy to feel like they're just saying that so they get more of my money, but since they don't charge me until the stock is shipped out, that's not their reasoning at all. It was a logical suggestion, and I followed it after asking a couple of questions. Those questions led to me finding out that the order limit on plain Kraft-style (brown paper) bags is FIVE boxes each instead of two.

AH HA! Temporary solution! Order the brown bags (which are cheaper anyway) and get our logo stamped on them, and order as many as I can of each size. Maybe, if I'm really lucky, they'll get here before the serious holiday shopping begins.

In a way I'm lucky. Shopping bags aren't going to go bad. They're not going to age off the shelves and have to be thrown out at a loss.  I can't even imagine what it must be like for places like restaurants and stores that stock perishable goods.

On top of that, I'm going to have to find a short-term solution that will hold us over until at least SOME of these bags get here. That will cost me even more money. And believe me, there's a LOT of money tied up in these bags that are floating about in the ether right now. Let's just say that there's enough money there to pay a couple of months' mortgage payments for a house here in Historic Downtown McKinney.  It hurts to have that much of an investment just sitting there in the void, but it's a necessity.

I guess the long-story-short (too late!) of it all is to please, PLEASE have patience with the people who are out there trying to supply whatever needs you have right now. Most of them are honestly doing their best, but there's no getting around the fact that shipping and base materials are both in very, very short supply at the moment, and the people trying to help you are probably getting yelled at, abused, and otherwise treated like crap because of things totally out of their control.

Just be kind, please? You have no idea how frustrated they are with the situation as well, yet they will smile and do their best to put on a good customer service face.

Meanwhile, they probably have thousands of dollars tied up in those items that aren't there yet.

Long time, no type

 Hello again, World!

It's been a while since I've been here. I guess because I've been in seriously negative headspace for the past five years or so.  I can't imagine why. **she says wryly**

But yet again I'm going to try and post here more often. Even if it is only a few lines sometimes, I want to start weaning myself off using Facebook for my random thoughts, and put them somewhere less ephemeral.

Today's thoughts are on selfishness. More specifically, the selfishness that has become endemic in American culture. Somehow we have lost the concepts of community and shared responsibility, and we have become a country that shouts to the heavens, "ME FIRST!" to the detriment of the idea that part of being a civilization is putting the needs of the community ahead of our own needs sometimes.

Now, I'm not saying that we should never examine a situation to determine if it is best to dive in or step back, but I AM saying that there's a contract involved in citizenship, and that contract implicitly includes the idea that in times of crisis we, as a whole, need to put our differences aside and work together to bring the optimal resolution out of the chaos.

Right now that means we need to wear a mask, get vaccinated, and do everything possible to reduce the impact that COVID and its variants are having on our world.

It really isn't that hard. People wear masks all day when working in the medical field. Lots of other people have been wearing them all day in other places, like...say...working retail in places like comic and game stores. Shado and I have been wearing them for 11 to 13 hours a day for around 18 months now without any ill effects at all.  I even have an oximeter and check readings occasionally out of curiousity, and have never had low oxygen levels.

The vaccines are not 'rushed', they are based on years of research and development. They're safe. They're not going to kill anyone. They're not going to implant monitoring chips into people. What they ARE going to do is help you not die if you get a breakthrough case. 

I don't know how or why something as basic as helping keep yourself and others safe became a political football, and I don't really care. What I care about is that it stop. It's time to become American citizens again, with all of the responsibilities that entails.  It's time to step up and do what is necessary for the good of the country and the world, just like we did in the 1940's. 

Either that or admit that we're just not the people we once were, and we're just not capable of ever being them again.

Which is it?

Wakanda Forever

 I don't usually have a strong reaction to the death of celebrities.  I mean, I have the same reaction I have when someone I don't know dies. I feel bad for their friends and family, I regret the potential that has been removed from the world, and if they die young I am sad for all of the things they didn't get done.  But overall, it's not a gut punch, not like when it's someone I actually know.

So today, when I woke up to the news that Chadwick Boseman had died, I was quite honestly surprised at how hard it hit me.  I hadn't really heard of him before he played T'Challa in Black Panther, though I know he'd done a couple of high-profile roles before that.  I just knew there was a new character entering the MCU, and that it was a character with a strong potential to be a game-changer for so many young persons of color.  It's important for people, especially kids, to see someone who looks like them portrayed in a strong, positive way.  

And boy did he do that!  Boseman's T'Challa was everything the character should be. He was dignified, but could laugh at himself. He was strong, but had vulnerabilities.  He was a hero, but made mistakes.  There was a gravitas that Mr. Boseman brought to the role that is undeniable. T'Challa was represented as a young man who had been raised to cherish and protect the people of his country, and of the world. He recognized the mistakes his father made, was angry about them because they were the wrong thing to do, and even at the end after fighting Killmonger twice for his life, he still offered mercy to the one trying to kill him.

My biggest regret for the movie, honestly, was that T'Challa's exchange with Killmonger at the end didn't go like this:

T'Challa: We may be able to heal you.

Killmonger: So you can lock me up? Nah, bury me in the ocean with my ancestors that jumped from the ships. Because they knew death was better than bondage.

T'Challa: No, let us heal you so that you can reunite with the family who should have taken care of you all along. We can work together to make the world better, to make life better for all those who need what we can offer.

Sadly, that's not how it went, and so we lost Killmonger as a character.  I know WHY they made the decision to end it as they did, and it was an amazingly strong ending. I just wish that redemption had been offered and received on both sides.

Even so, the impact of Black Panther in the MCU and in the real world are undeniable. A large part of that impact came from the man who played the character. I know there are other actors who could have done a wonderful job in the role, but I honestly will have a hard time ever seeing someone else as T'Challa. Chadwick Boseman made T'Challa his own. He leaves large footprints to follow, large shoes to fill. His legacy is one of power, positivity, pride. I wish we could have seen what else he could have done.

Wakanda Forever.

Serial Dreams

I thought I would share a snippet from a conversation with a friend via Facebook Messenger today. We were talking about the past, and where we are now, and I was talking about why my previous business, Fat Lady Foods, will probably never happen again, which isn't a bad thing, really:

"It might, but I'm tired. Part of it is everything going on right now, but part of it is that I've worked for almost 40 years of my 50+ year life, and I'm ready to just be done. I want to get the store to where I don't have to be here every day, and just take some time to do things I love for fun. That will include making jams and things, but will also be stitching, and fostering (mostly pets, but there's a possibility that we may open our home to foster kids at some point too), volunteering for causes I believe in, and just generally focusing on making the world a brighter place.

I've discovered that dreams are successive, not a be-all and end-all. You have one dream, you work on it, turn it into reality, and then you find another one and begin again, carrying the lessons you learned on previous ones with you. I think people should always strive to create and achieve new dreams."

So remember, we all get tired sometimes, but while we need to pause and rest occasionally, we also should keep looking for the next dream. One of my favorite quotes is from Louisa May Alcott. I haven't put it up here lately, but this seems like a good time to do so:

“Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.”

Follow the aspirations that shine in the sunlight. They're always there. Let them inspire you on the days when it's so damned hard to get out of bed. Let their light be the pinpoint in the darkness on the days when it threatens to close in and smother you. They're there, waiting for you to smile and dream when you see their beauty.

Assorted Miscellannia

I haven't posted here in a long time.  I'm due to get back into the habit, so this is my first attempt to do so.  I have so many things to talk about, but it's all swirling about in my head, so this time out I'll just be throwing a bunch of stuff at the wall to see what sticks.  More coherent blog entries will follow in future days.

The Trump Impeachment Trial begins in the Senate today.  I don't honestly expect anything to come of it.  His sycophants and toadies will do what is necessary to keep this a farce instead of a true trial.  It is so ironic that so many men who were willing to impeach a President over a blow job are now claiming that REAL crimes aren't worthy of impeachment.  Our country is broken and I'm not sure we'll ever really be able to fix it.  It's always had nicks and cracks in it, but we were on our way to getting those patched.  The current atmosphere, though, shows just how deep those nicks and cracks run, with hatred and bigotry so much more common than I could ever had dreamed. It's a nightmare, and makes me want to cry on a regular basis.  I used to believe in the basic goodness of humanity, but every day erodes that belief a little more.

My Dad's health is getting worse.  I live in dread of the day that I get the phone call.  I know it happens to all of us, and that death is a part of life, but that doesn't make it any easier.  Oddly, I'm more comfortable with the idea of my own death than I am with the idea of the deaths of the people I love.  Is that weird?  I'm not afraid of death for myself, and I'm not really AFRAID of death for anyone else, I just...don't want to not have them here.  I guess I'm selfish, but I don't care in this case.  I want my loved ones to live forever.  But right now I just want Dad to be happy and healthy. 

The store is doing well.  It's exhausting, and stressful (hey, there's a theme in this blog entry!), but overall it's good.  We exceeded our sales goals for 2019, and 2020 started off rocky for the first week but has picked up immensely this week and is looking good so far.  Who knew that Magic: the Gathering Pre-Releases could make such a difference in the financials???  But it's more than that, because M:tG was less than half of our increase in income last week.  The rest came from people walking in and buying other things.  A lot of them came over from the Arcade that opened across the street. 

It's very cool to watch our end of the street become such a strongly synergistic whole.  We've become Date Night.  People come down and get dinner at the sushi restaurant or the sports bar, then go see a comedy show, then meander down for a cigar, followed by a trip to the arcade for drinks and games, and while they're in there they see us and come across to do some shopping and watch people play Warhammer or D&D, then back to the arcade to close down the night.  All of the businesses down here are open late, especially on weekends, and we all make a point of sending people to the other businesses around us.  It's awesome to see it happening, and we make a point of letting the rest of Downtown McKinney know that it DOES work if you do this sort of thing together.  They all still close early though.  Their loss.  We'll take those evening and night-time dollars if they don't want them!

George Takei is coming to Dallas Fan Expo this year.  We're actually going to be there because we'll have a booth.  It's really tempting to print out a copy of my previous blog post that has an open letter to him about his fatphobia and bigotry toward fat people and give it to him.  I doubt he'd read it, and I really doubt it would penetrate his consciousness, but it's still tempting.  It's really disappointing to have someone who has suffered discrimination, bigotry, and hatred suddenly develop a blind spot to his own faults in those areas.  Especially when everyone around you idolizes him.  I don't hate him, and I'm not mad at him, I'm just...sad.

Other than all of the minutiae that are swirling around in my head, though, life is decent.  We're busy, the store is starting to pick up, and I'm hoping that it won't be too many more years before we don't HAVE to be at the store every day and I can at least semi-retire.  **crosses fingers**

Have a great day, everyone, and I'll be back soon to post something less chaotic!

Today's problems aren't stand-alones

"Saving our planet, lifting people out of poverty, advancing economic growth... these are one and the same fight. We must connect the dots between climate change, water scarcity, energy shortages, global health, food security and women's empowerment. Solutions to one problem must be solutions for all."

Ban Ki-Moon

I agree with most of this. The one part I don't agree with is the part about advancing economic growth. I don't believe that we NEED more economic growth. I think that we need to be more socially responsible within the current economy.

The ultra rich don't need all money they are currently hoarding. It can be put to much better use by making sure everyone has a safe place to live, nutritious food on the table, all necessary health care, and a healthy work/life balance.

The mega-banks and multi-million corporations don't need more profit, they need more focus on their employees job satisfaction and personal growth. They need more innovation, more independent thinking, and less of a focus on walking in lockstep just because "we've always done it that way".

Governments need less posturing and more cooperation. They need smaller militaries and bigger focus on the environment.

None of this needs MORE money. It all just needs the money that exists to be put to better purposes.

The world as a whole needs more community and less selfishness.

The Abortion Debate from My Perspective

It's been a while, hasn't it?  Life has gotten rather busy.  But there comes a time when a person can't stay silent any longer.

I made this post on my Facebook page, and it seems to be getting fairly popular, so I'm re-posting it here to make it easier for people to access.  This is how I feel.  If you have different opinions, go you!  That's what we're about in the United States, having different thoughts and ideas then working together to resolve them.

Note, however, that comments ARE moderated by me, so if you present an alternative viewpoint in a respectful manner and take the time to listen to others, that's cool.  If you are abusive, trollish, or otherwise cannot seem to manage an honest, civil, and adult conversation, your comments will never see the light of day.

Thank you.

My thoughts on the current chaos.

First, be aware that, like many women, I am barely holding onto the rage and fury inside me. Now is not the time for jokes or attempting to lighten the mood. That reaction, whether well-meaning or not, will lead to someone being caught in the flames that are unleashed.

It is time for this ridiculousness to end. Power needs to be wrested away from those who are abusing it. The irony is, of course, that they abuse it out of fear. They fear losing control, and as such they end up taking the actions that lead to those they oppress doing what the powerful fear the most. It leads to their power being stripped from them.

Before that can happen, we need to take the discussions back. Tonight I address the discussion of abortion, women's rights, and the debate about when abortion is 'acceptable'.

All of this is irrelevant to the issue. It is illegal to force an American citizen to give up their life or any part of their body, even if it is to save another life. These laws are even in effect after death. If someone chooses not to donate an organ, the government cannot force them to do so even to save a life. If someone chooses not to donate any organs upon their death, the government cannot legally force the donation.

The government cannot legally violate bodily autonomy, no matter if it is to save a life or not. That is what the real point is, and the whole ‘when does personhood begin’ argument is a willful redirection of the argument that is being unwittingly aided by the Pro-Choice movement.

Anti-Choice supporters are shifting the argument to where THEY want it to take place. Their argument is a smoke screen. It is not the true point. Quite frankly, it doesn’t matter if the mass of cells in the womb is viable or not, alive or not, or at any particular stage of development at all. The point of the matter is that every woman has bodily autonomy, and cannot be charged with murder when withdrawing consent for their body to be used by another.

This is my response to anyone attempting to make it about what is inside the woman getting an abortion. It is irrelevant. The only salient point is that EVERYONE has the right of bodily autonomy. Legally no one can be forced to give up their body or ANY part of it (including their womb) to another either permanently or temporarily. End of story.

Take the discussion back. Don't let them frame the narrative that way. Take. It. Back.

Our Modern Christmas Carol

America has always been a land of contradictions.  It was created to be the land of the free...unless you were black.  All men are created equal...unless you were a woman because, well, you're not a man (DUH!). There's enough land for everyone...unless you were Native American.  Everyone has the opportunity to make something of themselves...unless you weren't already rich.

Lately, however, these contradictions have reached a point where they are impossible for anyone with eyes and any sort of sense whatsoever to miss.  We have arrived at the Age of Willful Ignorance.

The wealth inequality in our country is worse than it has ever been.  We are losing ground when it comes to seeing people as human beings instead of stereotypes.  We're falling back into the time of the Rockefellers and the Vanderbilts.  This was a time when the rich believed that they deserved their money whether they had earned it or not.  It was a time when the vast majority of Americans struggled to achieve even the most basic needs and a powerful few wallowed in luxury.  The rich bought and sold politicians like stocks or bonds.  Laissez-faire policies led to massive deregulation of industries.  Pollution levels soared, giving those who were not wealthy even more reasons for ill health as they couldn't escape the cities for the countryside or afford doctors to treat the various health results of dirty water and smog-filled air.

“If they would rather die, . . . they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.” 
― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

We have returned to the time when those few oligarchs at the 'top' of the heap have stopped considering their fellow citizens to be human beings deserving of basic human rights.  The masses are now viewed as interchangeable cogs in the never-stopping machine that exists only to make the rich get richer.  Many of the wealthy don't care that a man can die because his crowd-sourcing efforts to raise money for diabetes medication fell $50 short so he had to ration his medications which led to his death.  They don't care that people who have cancer have to stop (or never start!) treatment for the illness because the crushing medical bills are beyond their resources.

All around us people are suffering but the politicians are happily passing more and more legislation that will make things worse because their owners demand it of them.  Congress has become a place where one of the best compliments you can give is, "He's honest. Once he's been bought, he stays bought."  They take health care away from children in order to fund bigger tax breaks for the already rich.  Our so-called representatives think nothing of blatantly lying to the face of the public about how their legislation will effect the average person.  And they do it while going on about what good Christians they are and how they wish everyone else were as pious as they are.

They turn around after making these lies and do their best to rig the system so that there is no way short of armed revolution for them to be voted out of office or removed from power.  Gerrymandering has become the norm instead of the exception.  Any attempt to create a situation where the true will of the people is reflected by those in the government is destroyed before it can bear any kind of fruit whatsoever.  Obstacles are put into place that ensure only the 'right' voters will make it to the polls. A large mass of those 'right' voters have fallen into the trap set for them, voting regularly against their own interests in the unrealistic hope that someday THEY will 'pull themselves up by the bootstraps' and become one of the elite whose lives are untouched by the need to decide whether to buy food or pay the rent this month.

“Man," said the Ghost, "if man you be in heart, not adamant, forbear that wicked cant until you have discovered What the surplus is, and Where it is. Will you decide what men shall live, what men shall die?” 
― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Every day men, women, and children die from causes that could have been resolved.  Illnesses go untreated because medical care is too expensive.  Hunger is a regular companion to a much too high percentage of the population.  Over here a child walks to school and shivers because they don't have the clothing to keep themselves warm.  Over there a man sobs on the corner because his family is in the street.  He tried to find work for over two years, but there was nothing to be had.  In that building there is a woman who falls exhausted into bed to get three or four hours of sleep before she has to be at the first of three jobs she'll work the next day in the hopes of putting food on the table for her family.

We are surrounded by people who live on the edge of survival, people who are only a short step away from complete disaster, and yet our country does nothing except encourage people to believe that these victims of circumstance have it coming to them because they are somehow unworthy.  Americans are encouraged to believe that there aren't really people who NEED help, but rather everyone who asks for help is simply lazy and greedy, trying to milk the system without putting in the work that goes with being a success.  We are fed the propaganda that people who are honest and do a hard day's work will ALWAYS have enough food to eat and a roof over their head, because this propaganda makes it easier to believe that people who need help just didn't try hard enough.

“You fear the world too much,' she answered gently. 'All your other hopes have merged into the hope of being beyond the chance of its sordid reproach. I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off, one by one, until the master passion, Gain, engrosses you. Have I not?” 
― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Greed and self-interest are the defining traits of our time.  Americans talk a good game when it comes to charity and generosity, but the practical truth is that if it doesn't directly effect us, the vast majority just don't have the ambition to make any changes to the system.  There is a fear that if there are changes, things will be worse, so it is better to do nothing and just keep complaining about life.

This breaks my heart, because I know that on the individual level most people ARE caring, wanting to do the right thing.  We take casseroles to the neighbors when they are sick or have had a loss.  We pay for the person in line behind us at the drive through, just to make someone's day a little better. Some of us ask the homeless what they would want if they could have anything for Christmas...and then get them those things.  There are moments of beauty in our country and our world, moments that serve to remind us all that there ARE good people, there is a sense of community out there.

Unfortunately, however, these moments are special just because we don't see enough of them, at least on a scale that makes a large difference to the whole.  Helping others on an individual basis is wonderful, and something we should all strive to do, but the thing is that when we work together to make positive changes, our power is exponentially increased.  We just can't seem to get to the point where that increase of ability weighs more on the scales than "What's in it for me?".

“They are Man's and they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance and this girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased.” 
― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Ignorance and Want define our country right now.  Willful ignorance, a choice made by many to deliberately ignore what his happening out of any number of emotions is our bane.  We turn a blind eye out of fear that it could be us.  We look away from injustice because we don't dare admit that it could be us on the receiving end next if we speak up.

The problem is that if we don't speak up and start righting the wrongs that surround us, then we are not just observers, but we are part of the problem, a BIG part of the problem.  There's only one way to make the world better, and that is by rolling up our sleeves and putting in the work to do so.  If that means making the time to work a soup kitchen, then make the time.  If that means those who have more wealth need to put that money to good use rather than hoard it, then they should do so.  If it means running for office and remembering WHY you did so once you're in, then make that commitment.

“Men's courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead," said Scrooge. "But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change.” 
― Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

It is our decision whether to strive to change the end of the story.  Working together we can change it for the better for everyone, not just ourselves.  But we have to find the courage to face our fears.  We have to find the resolve to keep going even when our own lives are better, because there are others who have not had that good fortune yet.  There is nothing we cannot achieve if we put aside selfishness and we share all that is good with those around us.

Change the story, America. Become everything that the Founding Fathers envisioned we COULD be, and put the caricature that we are now to rest once and for all.  Let's re-write the ending...together.

Hey, the Universe is knocking!

Sometimes life just continues on its merry way, dull and stable, without much variance in happenings.  You go to work, you come home, make dinner, hop online for a bit or play computer games or work on a hobby.  The weekends come and you go to a movie or meet friends for dinner.  It is regular, unremarkable, and you pretty much know what is coming day to day.

Then there is my life.

First, I have the brilliant idea of starting my own business, and trying to juggle that with a 40 hour a week job.  After a couple of years, I realize I can't maintain that pace any more, so I quit my job and focus on my business full time while relying on The Husbeast to bring home a steady income.  Suddenly there is a rotten year, specifically rotten sales for a season.  It wasn't really anyone in particular's fault, just a Perfect Storm of Bad Things (tm) including a chaotic election.  People got scared, decided it was best to just hang onto their money to be safe, and stopped buying things.

At the end of all of that, I came to the conclusion that my baby, my business, it wasn't viable at this point in time, and I announced a hiatus.  For a time we survived on The Husbeast's salary, but things were tight.  I applied for a government job, but after almost two months I still hadn't heard anything other than a tentative offer contingent upon passing a security check, so I figured I had somehow failed the security check but couldn't for the life of me figure out why.  I've passed them before for banks I worked at, but hey, maybe they have different criteria, right?

I turned my attention to other opportunities, and was just about to start applying for various positions when The Husbeast came home three hours early on a Friday.  Anyone who has worked in corporate America knows what that means, and they're right.  He had been let go.

Now we are both unemployed, with a mortgage payment due, not to mention other frivolous bills like utilities, gas for the vehicles, and groceries.

But The Universe had a plan.  Or at least, it knew that we'd had plans we have talked about for over 20 years, and it decided that now is the time for us to move forward with them.  It punctuated the lesson by having me receive an email stating that I was totally qualified for the government job, and they would have hired me...but...they had filled the positions, but please try to apply again!  (In other words, my file sat on someone's desk too long and there are no jobs left.)   I actually started laughing when I read it because it became really obvious to me that The Universe has decided this is the direction we shall take, will we or no.

We now begin the next chapter of our lives, and we begin by being Stupid.  Not just stupid, but Stupid.

Who needs money to retire on anyway, right?

So here we go, moving forward with our Big Idea.  We've started researching, are prepping to write a business plan, and are talking with Paul The Financial Wizard about ways to survive until things are up and running.

I know this is cryptic, but we're kind of trying to keep things mellow until we're ready for the big announcement.  Most of the people who read this blog will have a good guess about what we're doing, but still, let us keep the illusion that people will be surprised.  **LOL**

And if you have any extra, send us some luck and good wishes, please. :)

Fan Days 2017 - Moments in Time

This year's Fan Days was a bit different for me.  For the first time I worked with Guest Services instead of working as a Crew Member.  My job was twofold: 1) coordinate with the Guest Liaisons to be sure that we had coverage for our Guests at all times, and 2) make sure that if the guests or their representatives / Managers / assistants needed anything, it was taken care of to the best of my ability.  While that may sound very glamorous, it really meant that I spent most of my weekend riding freight elevators between floors 1, 3, and 4, with brisk mission-based bursts of walking between elevator rides.

I did have some memorable moments, however, and I want to put them down so I can remember them all.

• Won a bet with Kristian Nairn that he is younger than me.  He says I wear my age well.
• Bruce Boxleitner tells some of the best stories.  According to him, George Lucas' nickname for Glen Larson after Battlestar Galactica came out in 1979 was "Glen Larceny" because Lucas felt BSG was a Star Wars ripoff.
• Ruth Connell is wee and beautiful and kind.  Her rep, Liam, is very intense while doing his job, but has a fun sense of humor, and offered me a selfie with HIM for my birthday.  I took him up on it, and took Ruth up on her offer too when it was made.
• Madelaine Petsch and I were destined to keep meeting in the same exact place in the backstage hallway.  We were constantly running into one another there.  Luckily we weren't literally running into each other, because I would have smooshed her.
• Eugene Brave Rock is a very kind, mellow man.  He has a wide-eyed kind of joy when it comes to being at conventions.  I hope that he never loses that sense of fun and wonder.
• Mara Wilson doesn't catch sarcasm, so you have to tell her you're being sarcastic, which can lead to some very amusing moments.
• I am very honored and pleased that Austin St. John remembered me from when I moderated a Q&A with him and some other Power Ranger folks.  His kids are adorable. His wife is lovely. And if I ever interview him again, one of my questions has to be "What is the absolute best conversation you've ever had with a fan since you started doing conventions?"  If his answer isn't "Paleontology", then I get to harass him about it. :)
• Jeremy Jordan is a nice kid.  I didn't get to talk much with him, but his rep and I got along really well, especially after I found her missing sweater for her.  It's a Weeping Angels cardigan, and they don't make them any more, so she was so very happy she hadn't lost it.
• I didn't get to talk to David Tennant much, really, just some passing "Hi" and "Hello"s in the hallway, but he seemed very energetic, very pleasant, cheerful, and really seems to enjoy meeting his fans.
• I hardly got to see Graham McTavish, but again, he seemed nice.  His rep was very cool and appreciative of all of the work our team was doing.
• Kristian Nairn fully expects me to show up at his next Dallas gig.  I'm to stand at the foot of the stage holding a Sprite in one hand, and a bag of cough drops in the other.  I'm seriously considering sending a six-pack of Sprite and a large bag of honey lemon cough drops to the venue for him the next time he comes here. *LOL*
• "Et tu, Brute? Et tu?"
• The Chef and kitchen staff at Irving Convention Center do a really amazing job of things.  The Guests were very happy with the food in the Green Room, and a few even told me it was the best food they'd ever had at a convention.  I made sure to let the Chef know this, and to thank him and ask that he pass the thanks on to his team.
• I had an "Aw, shucks" moment when one of the ICC kitchen staff stopped me and said, "You work very hard.  I don't know what you do, but you work very hard.  You're also a very pleasant person.  I hope that they bring you back next time."  I didn't really do anything special, I just treated them all like the human beings they are by greeting them with a smile, asking how their days were going, and being my normal self.  That said, I really appreciated his words.
• Dara, Maresa, and I bonded over the fact that if you're name isn't "normal", then people will mispronounce it all of the time.  Eventually you start just answering to any version that gets close enough.
• Italian Cafe on Las Colinas Blvd is amazing.  Some of the best Italian food I've had since moving to Texas.  If you get Benny as your server, leave him a big tip.  He's awesome.
• Having everyone from Guests, to reps, to other staff and crew wishing you happy birthday all day is pleasantly surprising and adds an extra smile to an already happy day.
• Note to self:  ALWAYS remember to take a portable charger. ALWAYS.
• Personal surprise: I can do 12,000+ steps for three days in a row without dying.  Who knew???

There are other moments that are in my mind, but those are going in my private journal.  All in all, it was an amazing weekend.  I'm happy I could help Jessica and take some of the load off her shoulders so she could focus on other things.  My Guest Liaisons did an amazing job.  My Runners were on top of things and made sure that Guests made it to where they had to be on time without me having to ride herd on anyone.  I really enjoyed doing this more than I thought I would.  I was afraid that switching roles from my usual to this would take some of the joy out of things for me.  I guess I really AM hard-wired to want to make sure others are enjoying themselves and have everything that they need to make their lives easier.

Fun weekend.  I hope I get to do it again sometime. 

Leveling Up - Skill: Rebellion Against Societal Expectations

I am proud to announce that in 2017 I have leveled up my Rebellion Against Societal Expectations Skill.  I have worked hard to increase this skill, doing radical things like accepting myself as I am, and telling the dieting world where to go.

As the weather got warmer, however, I faced another hurdle.  This is a hurdle that I have struggled with since my late teens / early 20's.  Even as I began entering the body positivity world, this issue haunted me.  I was talking a good game, but there was a niggling doubt in the back of my mind that I wasn't truly walking the walk yet.  How long could I continue to pretend that this was all right?  How long could I maintain the charade that I was comfortable with myself if I kept this secret?

But now, now I have conquered that challenge!  I have prevailed in the next step toward complete acceptance of myself!  IT IS DONE!!!!

What is this horrible secret, you ask?  What is it that I've done to take this important next step?

Are you ready for it?

Really?

I...

have...

been...

wearing...

TANK TOPS!

That's right!  I have been letting my upper arm waddles swing in the breeze freely!  No more trapping them inside sleeves when it is 105 degrees out!

I know, there are a lot of people out there who think that this is no big deal.  When it gets hot, you wear shorts and tank tops.  Everyone does, right?

If you WERE just thinking that, I have to tell you that you are caught in what is most likely unintentional acceptance of societal thin privilege.  We're taught to think that way, you know, from when we are small.  But it is true all the same.

Fat people aren't allowed that freedom,  you see.  Society expects us to hide our bodies from view. It's as though people are afraid that by looking at our upper arm waddles, our rolls, and our roundness, they will accidentally get infected with The Fat Virus.  Then, the next thing they know, they will *gasp* be...be...FAT!  *clutches pearls*

The thing is, this damaging view of life isn't restricted to the fat world.  I know many people who would fall into what society considers to be the 'normal size' range who still fret at revealing their upper arms.  They worry that their arms will somehow be seen as grotesque or disgusting.  And so they, too, feel the pressure to remain as physically perfect as they can, hiding what many consider to be a flaw by wearing sleeves long enough to cover their upper arms at the very least.

It's sad that anyone feels that they need to hide part of themselves just so that other people won't be discomfited.  We are who we are, and no one has the right to tell us that we should be different.  If we decide to make changes in our lives, that is completely our own call.

Thus I decided to face my own next demon.  Much to my pleasure, the world did not end.  No one has made an effort to go out of their way to point and laugh, or to mock me. As a matter of fact, no one else even cared that I didn't have sleeves.  And I get to enjoy feeling one less layer of clothing, and one less artificial constraint.

Rebellion Against Societal Expectations leveled up to Body Positivity 6!

Balancing Act

Before I get started, I want to make something very clear to everyone.  I do not believe that being in optimum health is an obligation for anyone.  We all have our own choices to make, and if we CHOOSE to tune into our health and do things for our bodies that make us feel stronger and better able to withstand the constant wearing down of our daily routines, tasks, responsibilities, and stress, then that's awesome.  But in the same vein, if we decide that other aspects of our lives are currently taking priority for us, then that is awesome too!  There's no need to feel guilt because you don't run a 5K every day, or because you hear someone say, "I'm going to be bad and eat half a cookie!" when you're on your second one.  As my friends like to say, "You do you."  In other words, the only person you have to answer to for your actions is yourself. You can choose to answer to others for a time, or you can choose not to listen to anyone else and deal with the consequences that result, but it is YOUR choice.

There.  Now that's out of the way, and I can get on with today's post! :)

I am a believer in Intuitive Eating.  I encourage people to stop following meal plans and start actually listening to our bodies again.  Most people worry that they won't be able to stop eating if they give themselves permission to eat whenever their body says to do so.  If you talk to most IE folks, though, you'll hear the same thing over and over.  When they first stopped restricting foods and classifying foods as 'good' and 'bad', they went a bit crazy.  All of the things they never let themselves have before, or only allowed on special occasions, were their focus.  Their minds and bodies hadn't trusted them in their undertaking, and reacted like this freedom would end and the food would go away again.

After a period of time that varies from person to person, your mind and your body begin to work together and trust in each other.  The Intuitive Eater learns to ask themselves, "Why am I wanting this?  Do I REALLY want it, or am I afraid if I don't eat it now, I'll not get another chance?" If they decide that yes, they really want whatever it is, they eat it without guilt or feeling like they'll have to punish their body later for the enjoyment now.  The other key is that Intuitive Eaters re-learn how to stop when they are pleasantly full.

We all knew how to do that when we were children, but eventually we have been taught not to trust in what our body was telling us.  We were told when we would eat ("Your lunch period is from 11 to 11:30, that's when you'll eat whether you're hungry or not.).  We were told what we would eat ("That's what for dinner.  Either you'll eat it or you'll go to bed hungry.").  We were told how much we would eat, ("Clean your plate! There are starving children who would love to have that food!" or "Your breakfast today is half a grapefruit with no sweetener, one slice of dry toast, and a quarter of a cup of cottage cheese.  If you think you're hungry, just drink some water until you're full.")

When people return to IE, they learn to pay attention to what they're eating.  Does the food still taste as good as it did on the first bite?  If not, you may be getting full but your brain hasn't caught up with your stomach yet.  Are you starting to feel physically uncomfortable? Then you may have eaten past your full point, so next time you'll listen a bit better to your body's signals.  Does the food even taste good at all?  Or are you eating it for other reasons?  Maybe you're thirsty.  Maybe this particular food is one you've severely restricted in the past.  It's important to know just what's going on in your head and in your stomach.

I'm not saying that people with food-related health issues should ignore them and just eat whatever.  If you are truly dealing with diagnosed conditions like celiac, Crohn's, diabetes, arthritis, IBS,or any number of other issues, then pay attention to what your doctors say.  But there's a huge difference between avoiding wheat because it causes you physically to get sick, and avoiding bread because Weight Watchers or the latest popular diet says to do so.

For me, I am dealing with diabetes.  I have to pay close attention to my protein intake, and my carb intake.  This isn't because I say they're either 'bad' or 'good' foods, but because my glucose levels change based on how much of them I eat, and there are physical consequences for ignoring that fact.  Since I really don't want to have to start injecting myself with insulin, and I really don't feel like having my blood sugar go so high that I end up in a hospital, I track those things and adjust them as needed.

But I never, EVER deny myself the right to eat the things I want.  I may not be able to have that ice cream right now because I just had a cookie and my blood sugar will go through the roof, but I WILL be able to have it later!

Sometimes it is frustrating because I can easily start to fall back into the dieting mentality. When you've thought a certain way for your whole life, it's not always easy to stay on the new path.  The old path is ingrained and our minds can so easily fall back into old habits without us even realizing it is happening. That is when we need to be able to pull ourselves up short and determine if we are still following our new path and aiming for our new goals of having a good relationship with food, or if we have begun classifying food into 'good' and 'bad' categories again, and if we're denying ourselves things even when we could safely eat them.

It is time to re-learn how to eat.  Food isn't good or bad, eating is not a morality play.  Let yourself have the things you love until you are honestly satisfied.  You'll be surprised at how quickly you find yourself pulling free of the diet mentality.

I'm by no means an expert at it, but I know what I've done in terms of my own journey.  If anyone is interested in knowing more or asking questions, you all know where to find me!  But right now, I'm going to have a scoop of ice cream. *grin*

Court Lady down! We have a Court Lady down!!!

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I was once a member of the Performing Company at Scarborough Renaissance Festival.  For those who aren't familiar with how RenFests work, the performing company is the "atmosphere".  They are the people who dress in the costumes and walk around the festival (known as performing in the lanes), and do improvisational theater with the crowds on a 360-degree stage.  There is a difference between performing company members and those who are called 'playtrons'.  Playtrons also wear costumes, and sometimes even interact with the shorts and t-shirt crowd, but they buy their tickets, do not attend the weeks of workshops where cast members learn about improv / history / customs / manners / dialect / and so on, their costumes are not subject to the costuming standards of the festivals, and they are not held to the character standards that the cast is required to adhere to, such as not using plastic or paper products like paper plates or plastic cups or no smoking in the lanes.

I spent almost a decade as a lane performer at Scarborough. Circumstances required me to leave cast, but once you are a member of SAPA, you're always part of SAPA.  When you get the chance to visit the festival in costume, the current cast members welcome you back with open arms, and treat you as one of their own.  Most former cast members fall right back into the habits ingrained in them and find themselves following the rules for cast, and entertaining the crowds.

I went back to Scarborough once this year, specifically taking Gertrude Courtenay, Marchioness of Exeter as my character because the gentleman playing my character's husband had brought that character back this year and asked me to visit as this particular character because he would love a last chance to perform with his "wife".  Never one to want to disappoint a close friend, I put on the 40+ pounds of costume, got laced into a corset, and did the thing.  It was a great day, overall, and I had a lot of fun playing with friends, interacting with the crowd, and getting compliments on my outfit.

One thing I learned about myself that day, however, was pleasantly surprising.

Picture three Court Ladies taking their time strolling around the faire.  We jokingly called ourselves The Broken Ladies because all three of us have various and assorted physical issues.  One has EDS, one was badly injured in a car crash years ago and still needs a cane to get around, and then there's me...dealing with rheumatoid arthritis and nerve damage in my knees along with weak ankles. But we had fun, taking our time going from patch of shade to patch of shade because, well, Texas in the Spring has temperatures that rival other places in deep Summer.

As a group we decided that our next stop was a shaded picnic table.  Sadly it was one of the tables that had the benches attached to the table, rather than the kind you could move the benches away from and pull them back in.  I wasn't really worried about it at the time.  I've maneuvered my hoop skirts around those types of tables many times.  I forgot that I was out of practice.

I began the complex negotiations between skirts and bench, trying to slide in carefully.  I was almost there, I had JUST about made it, when it happened.  I felt the hoops catch on the end of the bench and I knew, even as I was going over, that I was going to end up on the ground.  My friend, Suzy, said that I did an absolutely perfect shoulder roll as I went over (compliments to my various and assorted stage combat teachers!) and the next thing I know, I'm faceplanting into the grass.

Even as few as five years ago, I would have been angry, mortified, and horrified at the spectacle I had been, and at the spectacle I would be trying to get to my feet.  But this day I found that I had honestly and truly progressed further than I thought on my journey of self-acceptance because all that I could do at that point was roll over into a sitting position....and laugh.  There was no feeling of embarrassment.  I did not want to sink into the ground and disappear. All I wanted to do was laugh because it was such a ridiculous situation.

Eventually we rounded up the Archbishop of Canterbury, one Royal Guard, and three of the Cardinal's Guard to heave me up to my feet.  Me, plus 40+ pounds of costuming, plus a corset that didn't help my movement any, plus the bad knees and ankles doesn't add up to anything resembling a featherweight!  But they got me to my feet, I brushed myself off, thanked them profusely, and we all went back to our day once it was determined that I hadn't injured myself at all in the fall.

I know it doesn't seem like much to people who have never had to deal with society turning everyone who has a body shape that is similar into a joke.  Fat pratfalls are hilarious, right?  They are a cornerstone of TV and movie comedy.  It's hilarious to see the fatty fall on their face and then flail around trying to get up.  But to me, the fact that I could deal with this by just laughing and not thinking about how the people around us saw the fall, well that is amazing.  Forgive my humour, but it is HUGE to me that I've reached the point in my self-acceptance journey that I could not worry about people's impressions of me because I'm fat and I fell, but instead that I could laugh at the graceless circumstances that led to the whole thing.  I wasn't embarrassed that it took five people to get me to my feet, I was just grateful that they were there and chivalrous enough to help.

I have grown into my skin just a bit more.  I am who I am. This makes me happy.

"You've lost weight, haven't you?" (Warning: Possible triggers)

Life's like a road that you travel on
When there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside every darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where the brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won't hesitate break down the garden gate
There's not much time left today

Life is a highway
I want to ride it all night long

Life is a Highway - Tom Cochrane

As a practicing intuitive eater, and someone who believes in Health at Every Size, I prefer to avoid discussions of weight, especially in relation to it going up and down.  Sometimes, though, someone will look at someone else and say those words, "You look like you've lost weight!"

The person saying the words inevitably believes with their heart and soul that they are delivering a compliment.  It is honestly difficult for the vast majority of people in this day and age to understand completely how those words can become something else.  For a person with an eating disorder, they could act as a trigger.  For someone with low self-confidence or who hates their body, they could actually hear "You look like you're FINALLY losing some of that weight!  Thank God!  It's about time you lazy blob!"

It has taken a lot of work on my mind, my emotions, and That Little Voice in my head, but I have finally reached a place in my life where I hear both what the person is saying, and what they are meaning, which...most often...is just "You look really happy with yourself."  And heck, for all that I know, I may actually have lost weight.  I don't weigh myself often, and have been known to bob back and forth amongst the same twenty or so pounds quite easily.  *shrug*  It doesn't matter to me, as I weigh what I weigh at any given moment and I don't care to try and manipulate that particular fact even temporarily.

But I am one of the lucky ones, to have reached this place, this state of mind.  So many out there are still struggling with being happy with themselves as they are, and what that means.

I guess the biggest part of the struggle for me was realizing that I can be happy with myself as I am, and yet still have goals to achieve.  I can be happy that I can walk two miles per hour, and still want to reach the goal of walking three miles per hour without making my current state any less important and valid.  I can be happy with my blood sugars as they are but still look for ways to keep them more consistently within the range my doctor would prefer.  I can be happy that I don't get out of breath climbing three stairs (not three flights, three STAIRS) but still have the goal of not being out of breath after climbing ten stairs.

In the modern Western world, especially, we are conditioned that not being the best is equivalent to not trying at all.  If you aren't the best, you've got to be the extreme opposite, the worst, as opposed to just not being the best.  I'm not saying that everyone should get participation trophies in everything we do, because that doesn't help us learn anything about ourselves either.  What I AM saying is that we need to work on the idea that you can be the best YOU that is possible right now, while still having room to be a better YOU tomorrow, but that being a better you tomorrow doesn't mean that today's you sucked.  It just means that you've learned something new, you've expanded your abilities, and that you have taken another step down the path of life.

How each person reaches that state of mind is a completely individual experience.  We can share our own experiences and empathize with similarities, but no one can truly fully comprehend what someone else's path is like. No one should expect someone else to fully comprehend, not really.  What they should expect, though, is that they can look around, listen to others, feel empathy and sympathy, and begin learning from the lessons others have already gone through.  It can help lay the foundation for their own lessons, and while they'll find their own path to the next stopping place, just knowing that others have had similar struggles can sometimes make all of the difference in the world.

Find those places, those people who can share their experiences and that you can share yours with comfortably.  Talk, listen, and support one another.  Continue using that support to help yourselves move forward.  Use that support if you need to pause for a moment and take a break from the forward motion for a bit.  It's okay.  We aren't perpetual motion machines, we need to rest once in a while.  Take each step and assess whether you're ready to move forward or need more time to process.  Eventually you'll be ready for the next one.

All of this is, I guess, meant to say that you are amazing. I am amazing.  We're all pretty darned awesome just as we are.  There's room to move forward, but if we want to just be who we are right now for a while, there's nothing wrong with that.

Be gentle with yourselves, my friends.

Down Into The Black

It is going to be a rough weekend.

I closed down my online shop today.  I've been procrastinating on it because, I guess, as long as it was still up I thought there was a chance, a small, tiny chance, that I could bring my business back.  But now that I have cancelled my business insurance, I really can't sell any more.  So I shut it down.

I'm also going to work on pulling everything out of the Fat Lady room this weekend, so that I can go through it all, organize it, and put it back in so that it can handle some long-term storage without being under our feet all of the time.

I still hope that I can re-start my business.  The Husbeast keeps saying it will be next year, no longer, but he's a lot more optimistic than I am right now.

Funny, I thought I was past the point of crying, but I guess I'm not.

Yeah, it's going to be a dark weekend.

LiveBlog: Annual Re-reading of "Health at Every Size" by Dr. Linda Bacon

I try to read this book every year or so to get myself back into the mindset needed for effective mindful eating.  I've found that mindful eating works the best for me.  Other people's mileage may vary, but overall following this philosophy has given me a much healthier relationship with food.  I don't obsess about it any more, I don't do fad diets any more, and I enjoy my food for what it is instead of what it SHOULD be.

On that note, this passage from page 106 always strikes home with me, so I post it here:

There's one nutritional concept that seems to make a healthy relationship with food particularly difficult, and that's the idea that some foods are good while others are bad.  Labeling a food good or bad stops you from questioning and discovery.  If you label a Twinkie as bad, you are not able to observe its effects on you, and you lose the opportunity to learn from it.  On the other hand, if you maintain a neutral attitude, you can watch your response to that Twinkie.

You can be more perceptive to its flavor, noticing whether it really tastes good to you, or if it was just the idea that tasted good (my emphasis).  Perhaps you learn that it doesn't satisfy your craving - that there was something else you really wanted that the Twinkie can't provide.  Perhaps you become more sensitive to your taste buds toning down after the first few bites, making the next bites less pleasurable.  Or perhaps you notice that half an hour after indulging in that Twinkie, your energy crashes and you start craving sugar again.  This information will ultimately affect your taste for Twinkies in the future.

Is eating that Twinkie good or bad?  It all depends on how frequently you eat it, how much you eat, what else you eat it with, whether you were attentive to it...Rather than eliminating these variables, we need to listen to them.  By staying connected to your body, some foods may lose their appeal or you may no longer be driven to over-indulge.

So, in answer to the questions, "Is [fill in the blank] bad?," the response is, "Of course not."  We simply need to respect it.  Let it teach us whether or not we want to indulge or when enough is enough.

It may sound crazy at first, I know that when I first began attempting to follow this way of life, my concern was that I would go crazy and eat chocolate, ice cream, and so on without stopping and I would just end up killing myself with high blood sugar or a heart attack or whatever.  The funny thing is that I found out something:  when you listen, I mean really slow down and LISTEN, to what your body is telling you, the things you find yourself eating vary across the full spectrum of foods.  Nowadays I find myself craving salads and fruit as much as I find myself craving sweets.  But more importantly, when I DO crave sweets, I go ahead and have them!  Instead of shoving them into my mouth as fast as I can eat them because I'm not sure when I will get them again, though, I eat slowly.  I actually take the time to enjoy the flavor and the texture of things.  This allows me to also pay attention to my body's responses to them.  There really is a moment when things go from tasting amazing to tasting 'meh', when my body signals that the craving has been satisfied and enough has been eaten.

In the past, I would have just kept eating until all of the food I was eating was gone, whether it made me nauseous or not, whether I was full or not, it didn't matter because I was so used to depriving myself that my instinct was to binge when I had the chance.

I feel free now, and it is wonderful.  I am free to have chocolate when I want it.  I am free to eat an apple when I want it.  I am free to make steak for dinner one night, and veggie stir fry the next, all because I am learning how to listen to those signals that I spent years suppressing by following the instructions of so many diet plans.  Eat this, don't eat that, eat now, don't eat then, none of that matters.  What matters is that my body actually KNOWS what is best for it and now that I've begun trusting it again, the signals just keep getting stronger.

This is why I re-read this book so often.  It reminds me of thoughts and ideas that can get drowned out by the constant pounding of our "thin is in" society against our brains.  It is easy to give in to the pressures brought to bear by that society.  This book helps me fight those pressures and stay true to myself.

Definitions of Productivity

We all have our own definitions of productivity.  For most of us, I would imagine, these definitions are developed most strongly when we become part of the workforce.  The word "productivity" becomes synonymous with "results that can be measured quantitatively".  This may even begin when we're in school, with students who get high grades being considered productive, and those who get low grades considered to be unproductive, no matter how much work either student actually puts into getting their grade.  Any way that it is instilled, however, by the time we reach adulthood we all seem to have pretty solid ideas as to what that word means to us personally.  Changing that definition is not an easy task.  But it appears to be a change that I am currently involved in trying to make for myself.

I am in the process of shutting down my business for a hiatus.  At least, I hope that it is just a hiatus.  I really do want to come back to it at some point because I love my business, I love what I make, and I love selling what I make to my customers.  Sadly, with the national stress levels so high due to the unusually rancorous elections last year, people were hanging onto their money very tightly.  I worked twice as many markets and made half as much money.  This did not give me enough of a margin to pay all of my overhead and keep buying raw materials to produce or to pay booth fees for the coming year.  So...the hiatus, which will ideally give me time to pay off what my business owes and to re-establish my financial cushion (and to make it even bigger this time to prevent another such occurrence).

In the meantime, I am looking for work, preferably in the form of a work from home job, and taking the time to continue gleaning through our household, getting rid of excess "stuff", and organizing the remaining items so that there is less clutter.  I am also spending time on craft projects, a number of which will end up being holiday gifts this coming December, and continuing my personal form of education via reading a multitude of books and taking as many free online courses as I can.

What I have found, however, is that I am battling my previous ideas of what is productive and what is not.  Despite knowing how reading a wide variety of books expands the mind and the knowledge base, in the back of my head I find myself fretting about wasting time when I'm reading.  There is a part of me that seems to feel that if I am not actively doing housework, then I am being lazy.  This same thought pops up when I am busy with craft projects.  Somehow, at some point in my life, I relegated reading and craft projects to "relaxation" rather than considering them to be productive uses of my time.

This is a foolish point of view, however.  Creating beautiful things for people to enjoy is not a waste of time, nor is increasing my literacy.  These are both activities that serve multiple purposes, and yes, one of those IS relaxation, but they do so much more than that as well.  Crafting keeps my dexterity sharp, lets my mind rest for a bit while I focus on the physical, or even lets my mind focus on learning if I am listening to an audiobook while I craft.  Reading not only gives me more information about the world in general, but sharpens my imagination and my creativity.  It increases my eloquence, it expands my vocabulary, and it helps me formulate thoughts more quickly and coherently.

Can these various skills be measured by numbers?  Possibly.  Should they?  I'm not so sure.  While physical chores like housework, organizing, and simplifying have their values, so do other parts of life.  Beauty, creativity, and knowledge are all worthwhile goals in and of themselves.  I know this in my rational brain.  Now I just need to get the part of my head that houses my ingrained American Puritan Work Ethic to understand and accept that qualitative productivity is just as valid as quantitative productivity.

That, my friends, is the hardest part of all.  But I plan on continuing to strive for this achievement.  It is important, and important things are worth the effort.

The Sound of Silence

Have you ever noticed how some people just can't tolerate silence?  They always have to have noise around them, whether it is the television or music on in the background, or they are actively talking to someone.  It is almost like the silence unnerves them and weighs too heavily for them to be comfortable or something.

I love silence.  When I am home alone, I rarely have music or the TV on.  I love to just sit and focus on whatever it is that I'm doing while the silence just enfolds me like a blanket. It lets my mind clear out all of those random thoughts that we all get every day.  It goes through them, sorting them out and throwing the irrelevant ones out while filing the good ones away for deeper thought.  Sometimes I make plans for the future in my head, things I want to do around the house or for my business, and with the silence around me I can just drift from idea to idea without my train of thought getting interrupted.

Sure, I like to watch movies, and am a Music Based Lifeform, but when I am home alone and everything is silent around me except for the normal house noises of HVAC, the ice in the icemaker dropping, and the jingling of the bells on the cats' collars, I just feel so very content.

I'm not sure if that makes me strange or not.  But really, it is who I am, and I'm okay with that.