Eating: A Necessary Evil?

By now, if you've read any of my other posts, you know that I'm trying to re-adjust my thinking to follow the precepts brought forth by the Health at Every Size (TM) movement.  The three major ideas that H@ES promotes are:

• Accepting and respecting the natural diversity of body sizes and shapes.
• Eating in a flexible manner that values pleasure and honors internal cues of hunger, satiety, and appetite.
• Finding the joy in moving one’s body and becoming more physically vital. 

I've talked a lot about the first and the third, discussing how important it is to accept people for who and what they are rather than what their body size is (large OR small!).  I've also talked about my still ongoing search to find forms of movement that I enjoy enough to do on a regular basis.

I have slacked a bit, however, in talking about the second thought.  I haven't talked much about eating and how it fits into First World Society as a whole, and how it fits into my life in particular.

Eating is viewed in many ways as a necessary evil.  We have to eat to survive, but it is so easy for our eating to become a source of self-hatred and frustration.  We are constantly bombarded with conflicting messages about food, eating, and our relationship with both of them.  We see commercials running back to back promoting the current weight loss trends with long, loving shots of gooey cheese or rich chocolate or whatever food item / restaurant they sold that air time to.  There are even entire television networks devoted to food.

We're told to "eat right and exercise", but no one seems to really know what "eat right" means.  One minute we're told to use margarine instead of butter, and the next minute we're told that butter is healthier than the hydrogenated oils used to make margarine.  Eggs are to be avoided due to high cholesterol one moment, then touted for their high protein the next.  Drinking too much is bad, but everyone should have a glass of red wine every day.  Don't eat sugar because it will rot your teeth and give you diabetes, but artificial sweeteners will give you headaches and can lead to cancer.

It really is amazing that we manage to eat anything at all with all of this being shouted at us from every direction.

And then there is H@ES, which has what I consider to be among the most important words in their philosophy about eating.  What are those words, Dear Reader?  Well, quite simply, those words are "flexible", "pleasure", and "satiety".

Look at the whole statement again:

Eating in a flexible manner that values pleasure and honors internal cues of hunger, satiety, and appetite.

Nowhere in that statement do you see any discussion of the "right" foods to eat or the "right" proportion of nutrients, or the "right" number of calories.  It simply talks about eating in a way that is flexible, pleasurable, and satisfying.  I KNOW!  Doesn't that just blow your MIND???

So let us look at these words for a bit.

Flexible

To me this says quite simply that I should resist the societally-ingrained urge to categorize foods as Good Food and Bad Food.  There is no good food, there is no bad food, there is only food.  And if I stop listening to what the deafening wave of voices outside of my body keeps telling me, I will learn what it is that my body needs as well as what it wants.  Furthermore, if I let myself have what I want, when I want it, my body will tell me that it wants what it needs to sustain it at top form.  You see, one of the main reasons that we tend to think of things like ice cream as treats is that we don't allow ourselves to have it whenever we want.  I strongly suspect that for most people, if you allowed yourself to have ice cream whenever you wanted it, you would reach a point where it is just another food and something that you would eventually want only once in a while.

Thus it stops being a Bad Food, and becomes food.  Just food.

Our bodies aren't stupid.  They know what we need, and when we stop fighting them and start listening to them, what we eat becomes more balanced.  We've just forgotten how to listen.

Pleasure

Food is pleasurable.  There is nothing wrong with that.  Please re-read the words in bold lettering just before this sentence again.  That's right, there is nothing wrong with food being a pleasurable experience.  As a matter of fact, it SHOULD be a pleasurable experience!  We should make more of an effort to turn mealtime into a pleasant experience rather than gulping our lunch down at our desks as we work, or mindlessly shoveling food into our mouths as we watch TV.  There should be less eating while we drive, and more drive to enjoy what we eat.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't have a cheeseburger and fries (back to that whole Good Food / Bad Food thing), because cheeseburgers and fries definitely have their places in life.  What I'm saying is that you should take the time to sit down and really enjoy that cheeseburger and those fries.  Let yourself focus on the soft bun, the sweetness of the ketchup as it hits your tongue.  Think about the meatiness of the burger and the salty sharpness of the cheese.  Enjoy the tangy crunch of the pickles, the salty crisp outside and the fluffy hot inside of the fries.  It should be appreciated!

(I'll wait here as you run out to your favorite burger place.  Don't close the browser window, just pick up where you left off when you get back.  *goes and plays Star Wars: The Old Republic while she waits*)

Back now?  Okay, good!  I hope that you took your time and really tasted what you were eating, savouring those pleasurable flavours.

There will be days when you find yourself wanting to savour a crisp, green salad.  There will be days when you find yourself wanting to enjoy the cold, creaminess of gourmet frozen custard.  There will be days when your body decides that it wants to sink your teeth into a thick, juicy steak (or tofu patty...whichever you prefer).  Let it.  Appreciate every bite of whatever it is that your body is asking you for that day, that hour, that minute.  No guilt, no Good Food, no Bad Food, no beating yourself up.

And appreciate when your body says, "No thanks, I don't need anything right now."  Which leads into...

Satiety

Based on the word "Sate" which has several definitions.  The one most applicable to my discussion today is:  to satisfy (any appetite or desire) fully.

I'm not talking about stuffing yourself so full that you can't move.  Every day should not be Thanksgiving!  What I'm talking about is satisfying yourself, which is something else that we seem to have forgotten how to do in our First World existence.

Again it comes back to learning how to listen to our bodies.  Learning when our stomachs have reached a point of satisfaction rather than waiting until we have to loosen our belts or we start to feel sick.  We have to learn how to pay attention as we eat, and to notice when we've gone from hungry to satisfied without being overly full.  

I can tell you that after I had my gastric bypass, I had no choice but to learn how to do this.  There are very messy and unpleasant, sometimes even painful, results if you overestimate how much you can eat at any given meal.  But really, we don't want everyone to undergo invasive surgical procedures to grasp this concept.  It would be better if people just start paying attention.  You know, while you pay attention to the tastes and textures of the foods that you're eating, also pay attention to how your body feels as those foods enter your system.  I think that you will find that by eating consciously, by allowing yourself to be aware, you will get more of a kick out of your meals AND your eating habits will slowly regulate themselves into a pattern that is most natural for you.

Since I got laid off (which is part of the reason there's been such a gap in my postings, as I had to deal with everything that goes along with being laid off first) I have found that my eating habits have drastically changed from what I assumed was my "normal" way of eating.  For me this involves eating a lot more in the way of whole foods, fruits, vegetables, and so on.  Please note that I am NOT saying that this is how everyone should eat.  As far as I'm concerned, everyone has the right to decide their own eating habits, whether that is a diet based on whole foods, or one based entirely on boxed macaroni and cheese, or something in between.  Not my call! 

But what I have found is that I have time to prepare meals from scratch every day, and that I'm able to eat the leftovers for lunch the next day, and that I can sit down and really enjoy my meals rather than shoving breakfast down my throat without tasting it so that I can get to work, and then eating my lunch at my desk while I work, and then feeling beat when I get home so just going with what is easiest rather than what I may really want. 

Oh...and being more aware of when I am actually satisfied and stopping before I feel like I've overeaten.  You know...satiety!

I know that this has been a long one, and bless those of you who have stuck it out and read to this point.  I hope that perhaps my thoughts and words here have given you pause, and maybe even gotten you to think about how you eat.  

Food is not the enemy that the Weight Loss Industry wants us to believe, nor is it the saviour that the Food Industry wants to promote.  It is, quite simply, just food.  Not good, not bad, not our downfall, not our security blanket.  It is crispy, creamy, savoury, sweet, salty, umami, charbroiled, ice-cold, fuel-providing, flavour-giving food.  We should appreciate it for what it is, and stop ascribing vice and virtue to it.

  

Eating food is not a necessary evil, it is a necessary pleasure and joy.  Something that we should be more aware of in our lives.

Food...it's what's for dinner. :) 

Work makes me unhealthy

I have made a discovery about my life and how work applies to me.  Remember, as you read this, that every theory does not apply to every person and that we all have our own circumstances.  As this is my blog I think it only fair that the circumstances that I discuss apply to...well...me! :)

A couple of weeks ago I had my last day at my job.  I had worked there for about six years, and in that time the company had boomed, and then as the housing bubble burst, the company slowly deflated with it.  My boss did his best to keep things going, and is actually still out there, trying to survive, but in order to do so he had to lay people off.  We went from 10 employees and the owner to the owner, myself in the office, our salesman who worked out of a model home, and our superintendent, who worked in the field.  Unfortunately, about a month or so ago we were told that was two employees more than could be kept on the payroll, so the salesman and I were laid off.

I worked for the last four weeks doing everything I could to get the office organized in such a manner that one person could get as much done as possible, and then....then I said goodbye.

Now, you may be wondering to yourself, "Um, Lys?  What does this have to do with health and body image?  That IS what this blog is supposed to be about, right?"

Let me answer that for you.  You see, as I have lived through my first couple of weeks as an Unemployed But Looking Person (UBLP), I have discovered that work made me unhealthy. 

I shall explain further for you. 

While it is a precept of the Health at Every Size mentality that weight is just a number and that we shouldn't really pay attention to the scale, it is a habit that I haven't been able to break yet.  I still weigh myself most mornings.  Part of it is curiosity, wondering if making the changes I've made will actually have an effect on my weight as well as my health, or whether I really am going to remain at this weight no matter what I do.  Part of it is TLV (The Little Voice as discussed in previous blog posts such as this one) which persists in arguing that H@ES is wishful thinking on my part, and that it is obvious that no matter how hard activists push, fat will never be acceptable in our society today.

So, yeah, still working on that part of things.  But the point of this minor digression is that I have been watching my weight for the past two weeks as it has steadily dropped.  Actually, it has dropped by almost 10 pounds without any conscious effort on my part to lose weight.

If you think about it, this makes sense.  I still spend more time sitting than is probably best for me as I spend time every day on the computer doing job searches, researching a possible small business start-up that I have in mind, and just generally puttering about on Facebook and other time-wasting sites.  But even with that, I am more physically active than I have been when I was working.  I am getting things done around the house, things like laundry and cleaning, things that require lifting and stretching and bending and just general movement-type activity.

Also, my eating habits are falling into a normal-for-me pattern, which is really not compatible with working a job.  I seem to prefer two meals per day over three, depending on what I'm working on, or if I'm having a more active day I prefer five or six snacks over regular meals.  My snacks are healthier because I can get healthy, whole foods out of my fridge or cupboard, and I don't have to try and figure out what I'm going to want 12 hours in advance only to find out that I guessed wrong.  I don't have to worry about portability, so things like granola bars, energy bars, and so on aren't the staple of my snacking.  Instead, I can grab some cheese and a handful of grapes, or some smoked almonds, or a single cookie depending on what it is I want RIGHT THEN.

I know that I could take most of those to work too, but the problem is that I either tend to take several choices, only to eat them all, or I don't take enough and I end up being starving when I get home and so I overeat at dinner time.

In addition to moving more just while getting things done, it is easier for me to make movement an active choice in my life too.  When I'm home with just the cats to see me, I can put on some music and just shimmy around the living room for ten or fifteen minutes.  I can put the dance game into the game console and just play.  I can go out for a walk around my neighborhood for 10 minutes and not worry about getting back to my desk if I decide to stroll for a bit longer.

I find all of this to be so very ironic.  I am finding my health through being laid off.  I am looking for work, though I hope to actually be able to get my own business off the ground if I can, rather than having to go work for someone else again.  Should I end up taking a job somewhere, instead of doing my own thing, though, I'm going to HAVE to figure out how to keep these changes going even within the restrictions of the workplace.  I like how I'm feeling.  I like how I'm sleeping at night.  I LIKE the freedom to be myself that I'm experiencing right now.  That shouldn't have to go away just because I go in to a job every day. 

So that will be an additional goal.  I need to find a job, and I NEED to find a way to keep that job from pushing me back into old habits while allowing myself to continue to grow into these new habits and an even healthier me.  Because the last thing that I want to return to is allowing work to make me unhealthier again.  That is a choice that I refuse to make any more.

Fat Fears: Hiring Bias

Fat people have many fears that they have to face every day.  I know that some of mine are things like wondering when I go to a new place (whether it is a public place or a private home) whether I will be able to find seating that is both comfortable for me and that I am not terrified of breaking by sitting on it, or fearing tripping and falling because between my size and nerve damage that I have in my knees from a freak accident in my 20's it is nearly impossible for me to get up on my own. 

One fear that I am currently having to face is the fear of weight bias in the workplace.  You see, I am being laid off from the job that I have held for the past six years.  It is a job that has had its ups and downs, both personally and industry-wise, but that I have enjoyed overall.  I will be sad to go, and hope that it is only a temporary thing though I cannot count on that.  This means that I will be looking for a new job, which brings the whole thing back to hiring biases. 

It is against the law to exhibit an observable bias toward those of different races, religions, genders, and even sexual orientation (in most places).  It is not, however, against the law to exhibit an observable bias toward those who are fat.  If anything, popular sentiment encourages such biases by supporting the false stereotypes that fat people are, by nature, lazy and unintelligent slobs who have no drive to accomplish anything of note. 

I happen to have an excellent resume.  I have amazing skills in a variety of skill sets.  I have almost 30 years of actual work experience under my belt.  My organizational abilities and professional interpersonal abilities are unmatched.  I am startlingly fast at learning new skills and procedures.  If I weighed 130 pounds, I would expect that I would be able to land a top-paying position in my field with only moderate effort even in the current job market.  But I do not weigh 130 pounds, I weigh 360 pounds and I fully expect that there will be interviewers who will not be able to see past that weight to the skilled and competent person behind it. 

It is ridiculous in this day and age that anyone should have to fear going to interviews because of how they look.  No one should have to fear that something that has nothing to do with how they work or their ability to complete a job with the highest quality possible while getting along with co-workers in a pleasant manner will ever have bearing on whether they are hired or not.  Currently, you legally do not have to worry about the color of your skin having any bearing on whether you get a job (I know, it is still a practical fear as there are those who either ignore or skirt the law, but at least there IS a law!), you legally do not have to worry about your religion barring you from being hired, or your national origins (I suddenly have visions of the old photographs showing signs that said, "Irish need not apply.") keeping you unemployed.

I wish that I could say that my weight will not have any bearing on what jobs I am seriously considered for and what jobs will pass me by.  But we are realists here, though we try to be optimistic realists most of the time, and we all know that no matter how good my resume is, no matter how amazing my skill sets, no matter how well I ace that phone interview, the moment that I walk into a room with an interviewer there is a high likelihood that their opinion of my abilities will drop severely when they see my weight.  If they are basically a good person they may not be consciously aware of it, but it will still be there.

We, as humans, make judgements based on external appearances all of the time.  It isn't a good thing to do in most cases, but we do it anyway.  We are conditioned to do so from childhood, and society encourages it in both blatant and subtle ways.  You are, of course, free to disagree with my assessment on that, but before you do I challenge you to consciously monitor your thoughts and reactions for a week.  Whether you are walking down a street, watching a television show, or just hanging out with your friends, I challenge you to be aware of your thoughts and reactions when you look at people.  Notice how often your thoughts focus on assumptions and stereotypes when you see someone new.  Is that guy with the tattoos really dangerous?  Or do you just assume that from what you've seen in the media?  Is that girl with the short skirt and low-cut top really a slut?  Or does society feed that stereotype with its forced perceptions?  Is that fat girl really lazy?  Or are you just assuming that because that is what you have been told over and over by people who have a vested interest in promoting that thought?

Anyway, I hope that I am proven wrong.  I hope that I get a job worthy of my skills and my abilities.  I hope that I get a job that challenges me to learn new things on a regular basis, and where I am appreciated as a valuable member of a team as well as a unique person.  Though, I'm not sure those kinds of jobs even exist anymore no matter WHAT size you are, but if they do, I hope that I manage to get one and that my fear of hiring bias ends up being an imaginary windmill that disappears as I attempt to tilt against it with my lance and charger.

I hope that eventually it disappears for everyone, and that we all look forward to the day when our only concerns regarding looking for work relate to what is available and what we qualify for.  That would be ideal.  I hope that day is not too far off and that I someday get to see it.  But who knows?

Inside the TLV: The Little Voice

TLV:  The Little Voice is that voice inside our heads. Most people have it, I think, though some people's TLV is weaker than others.  I can't speak for all fat people, because everyone is different, but if I had to make a guess, I would say that the majority of fat people have a pretty strong TLV, and sadly, for many of them it is a negative experience.

I know that my TLV is a petty, vindictive bitch whom I actively fight on a constant basis when I am aware of what she is doing.  That does seem to be the hard part, though, being aware of her and her activities.  You see, when a TLV is part of you for so long, and has been reinforced by so many external voices, you sometimes don't even realize that she is whispering in the back of your head.  She's just there, a dark murmur droning into your subconcious without pause.  You don't realize that she is constantly telling you how you deserve to be looked down upon because you are fat.  Your mind doesn't consciously register that she has just whispered about how you are obviously less worthy because you are weak-willed and pathetic because if you weren't weak-willed and pathetic you wouldn't weigh as much as you do.

The TLV has learned all of the best ways to sabotage even my brightest moments. 

I happen to have a beautiful singing voice.  I know, it isn't considered polite to say such things aloud about yourself, but really, I do.  My instrument is warm, with a pleasing timbre, and a pretty big sound.  Yet until recently I had not done any singing beyond singing along with the radio or singing the end of the day song at Scarborough Faire, and I had not done so for well over a decade.  I went to college for voice, and yet I denied myself the joy of singing because my TLV had finally overrun my defenses.  When I would sing, I would think, "That went well." and then my TLV would whisper, "Except for the fact that your breath control still sucks because you're too fat and out of shape to hold a note well for the right length."  or "That high note was wobbly and everyone noticed and whispered about how that is normal for a fat person." or even, "I doubt anyone noticed how well you sang since you couldn't find a decent fat lady dress and you look horrible."

Even now I fight it.  I sing with The Women's Chorus of Dallas and we had our Holiday Concert last month.  Instead of being able to immerse myself into the music and lose myself in the experience, I ended up listening to my TLV go on and on inside my head about how fat my butt is and how we had to turn around to look behind us and the whole audience would be pointing and laughing behind my back because of the wide expanse of glittery fabric covering my posterior region.  Then she whispered about how hard it would be to get my fat body up and down the risers in any sort of graceful manner.  As the music began, my TLV warned me yet again that my fat body could not in any way, shape, or form actually give the kind of breath support that was needed for the music and maybe I should just quit after the concert and save everyone the embarassment.  It would save the Director the embarassment of having to tell me that she couldn't use me any more because I'm not good enough, and it would save the other chorus members the embarassment of being "stuck" near me, and it would save me the embarassment of failing yet again.

And yet I have a beautiful singing voice, a lot of valuable training, and a solid set of musical skills.  But despite all of this, my TLV managed to push me to the point of almost quitting.

Then I realized what was happening and I analyzed TLV's points.  Honestly, with over 50 women in the choir, I doubt that the entirety of the audience was focused on any one person, even when we turned around.  The curtains were closed when we got on and off the risers, so really, grace didn't matter anyway.  I got up and down them, and I did so with only a minor spasm in my knee when I had to jump down from the second level to avoid the children standing on the 1st level.  My breath support COULD be better, but it hasn't got anything to do with my size, it has to do with the fact that I have been shirking on my exercise and that the only thing that will fix breath support issues is cardio, cardio and more cardio!  I could weigh 500 pounds again, but if I had solid cardio I would have the breath support needed to do what needs to be done.

I almost quit something that I love for a second time because I let my TLV get to me.  How many of you have done that?  Let your TLV stop you from trying something new, or continuing something you love, because it whispers to you in the back of your mind about how Fat People CAN'T do things like that?

How many of you have let your TLV stop you from trying something new or continuing something that you love because it whispers to you that WHATEVER your personal weakness is means that you aren't worthy of doing those things?

Take hold of your future, and your dreams.  Pay attention to when your TLV speaks up, even when it is the softest of whispers in the dark recesses of your mind, and counter it EACH AND EVERY TIME.  Do not let your TLV win. 

We are all worthy of doing great things.  We are all capable of experiencing joy and pursuing dreams that we love.

We are NOT our TLVs and we never were.

Stand against your TLV and deliver your dreams to yourself.  I'll make a deal with you, and I will continue to fight my TLV and share the things that I love with you if you do the same.

We are worthy.  We are strong.  We CAN.

Stand 4 Kids

Recently I posted about how a well-intentioned but poorly executed program in Georgia has targetted fat kids as part of an ad campaign to bring attention to the "childhood obesity crisis".  While I can appreciate wanting to encourage children and their families to develop healthy habits, I cannot condone doing so in a manner that uses shame as the primary motivator.  We shouldn't work toward a goal because we are shamed into it, we should try to achieve goals because they are something that we aspire to, that we want because they are positive things.  There is nothing positive about telling children that fat kids are fat because they are weak (Direct quote from billboard ad:  "Big bones didn't make me this way.  Big meals did.").  It only encourages other children (and adults) to treat them poorly based on size.

Luckily, I am not alone in my views.  And thus Stand4Kids was born. 

I am proud to say that I have had an image used to create an ad for the campaign:

If you would like to see the other images that have been created so far, check out the Tumblr pages!

It is important that we teach our children how to make healthy choices in their lives, that we give them the tools that will allow them to build the kind of lives that they WANT to live.  It is important that we do so without giving them the message that they are worth less if they don't meet a set of arbitrary societal standards.

Please check out the links I've given.  Our children will shape the world, and we give them the tools to do so.  Let's give them the tools that will help them succeed at whatever they choose to do, and that will allow them to do so with their self-worth, love for themselves, and love for the world around them intact.

Thank you.

Success, Envy, and Guilt

For those of you who are new to my life, I had a gastric bypass several years ago.  The surgery was a success, medically speaking.  Before the surgery I weighed 500 pounds (give or take a few on any given day).  After the surgery I weighed 340 pounds.  I currently weigh 360 pounds nearly five years later (again, give or take a few on any given day).  This is technically a medical success, as I have lost approximately 140 pounds and kept it off. 

But is it a success?  I still weigh 360 pounds.  I am still super morbidly obese, and yeah, gotta love that term, right?  But hey, it's the correct medical term, so no use getting all snitty about it I say.  So here I am, still super morbidly obese, still not looking like the slender young thing *grin* that the ads all say that I will end up looking like.  Here I am wondering what the hell I did that the Fates hate me so much to keep me locked in this waddling, roly poly pear-shaped lump of flesh.  I mean, did I offend them somehow so that they decided I should never know the joys of walking into a store and buying something off the rack?  Because despite my 140 pound weight loss, I still am too big to shop successfully even at Lane Bryant (the Mecca of Fat Lady Shoppers everywhere)!

It obviously must be me, goes the line of thought.  I have failed.  So many other people have this surgery and end up bouncing around talking about how they're finally living their lives because they can move and bend and run and do all of these things that they couldn't do when they were fat.  It worked for them, they look great, they feel great, they're happy.  Why not me?  What have I done wrong?  Why am I such a failure?

So there's the Success and the Guilt.  Where's the Envy?

I have friends who have had the surgery, and I find myself in the peculiar position of feeling so very happy for them that they have achieved what they set out to do.  They've lost the weight, they've dropped the sizes (in some cases, fewer pounds than I have) and now they are svelte, dainty creatures.  Okay, stop laughing, I know I know.  Very few of my friends are dainty creatures, no matter what their size. *grin*  Mon petite fleurs do not tend to reside amongst my circle of friends, no matter whether the women in question weigh 100 pounds or 500.  We're all pretty strong ladies, really.

But back to Envy.  I love my friends, and I am thrilled that they are happy.  I really am!  But there is that Little Voice in the back of my head that we have talked about before.  The Little Voice (TLV) whispers to me whenever their success is brought up that THEY are Winners and I am a Loser, and not in the weight kind of sense.  They're obviously smarter, stronger, more talented, more brilliant than I am, and I shall always be The Fat Chick who will never be The Pretty One.

I wish that I knew where TLV's originate, because I would SO totally nuke that place from orbit!!!!

Have you ever been in the position of feeling happy for someone else while feeling miserable for yourself because they succeeded where you didn't?  Yeah, it sucks, doesn't it?

And the funny thing is, if we go back to the Success portion of things, I actually DID succeed at the stated goal of the surgery.  I lost almost 30% of my total body weight and I've kept it off.  That technically makes me one of the 5% who lose weight and keep it off.  But oddly, there's no television show offering me thousands of dollars thanks to my Success.  People don't come up to me and ask how I did it.  And there's no sense of satisfaction, only disappointment.

I don't post this because I want people to offer sympathy.  I don't post it because I want my friends to feel like they can't discuss their Success around me.  On the contrary, I LOVE hearing about all of the changes that have come about in their lives, and the happiness that it has given them. 

Really, why I've posted this is because I want to re-focus my thoughts on myself and Health at Every Size.  Logically I get the concepts.  Intellectually it all makes sense.  I'm still fighting the battle of the heart, though.  My brain says to be healthy and just move on, but my heart still has the core of the 17 year old girl who was made fun of all through school, who was openly mocked at her Senior Class Assembly, and who still honestly and truly believes that she's worth nothing because she's fat.

I am working so hard to change that belief into one of worth and love for myself.  Some days I've got it, and some days I don't.  Some days I don't care how wide my hips are because I know that I'm eating right and taking care of my body because it is an awesome thing that does so very much for me.  Some days I fall back into the old way of thinking, hearing TLV talk in the back of my head about how I could lose a few more pounds if I did this, or how much easier an activity would be if I were slender instead of being a blob.  I try, but at times I truly can't help it.  I want to be smaller, not for my health's sake, but because I'm just tired of being fat.

 So I guess that I'm not a Health at Every Size success yet.  I hope that I will be someday.  I hope that I find the balance of eating right, moving, and joy in myself that lets me get up every day knowing that I'm the best Lys that any Lys could ever be.

I'm just not there yet. 

I hope that you all don't think I'm a fraud because I "talk the talk without walking the walk", but I'm trying.  I really am.  And sometimes talking the talk IS walking the walk when it is all that you can manage against The Little Voice inside your head.

Thank you for bearing with me, and riding the rough seas out with me.  I hope that there are calmer swells ahead, but for right now we'll just batten down the hatches, get the bilge pumps going, and keep moving forward one moment at a time.  And if we find ourselves in Guilt or Envy, we'll acknowledge it, then we'll move on, because when it comes down to it, we are all only human and beating ourselves up for having those human moments is counterproductive.

Here's to Success, Joy, and Loving Ourselves as we are!  May we all reach the point where we are feeling these things all of the time!!!

Breaking Our Children, Part Two

In my last post I talked about how a certain weight loss company is targetting children with a "Your kid gets in free if you join!" campaign and how outrageous I felt that was.  Well this week we've got another outrage to discuss.

In a well-intentioned effort to promote childhood health that has gone horribly awry, the Children's Healthcare of Atlanta Foundation has begun a program named Strong4Life, and has begun a series of ads that target childhood obesity.  Now, if they were actually promoting healthy behaviours and treating them as such, I would have no problem with them but unfortunately what they have decided to do is to target Fat Kids with hate and self-loathing, and to exhibit adult, authority figure sanctioned harassment and guilt.  With such examples I have no doubt that the Fat Kids will get the message that they deserve to be teased and tortured, and the not-Fat Kids will get the message that they have every right to make Fat Kids' lives miserable.

For examples of the ads, please see this blog post by atchka.  I think that you will be every bit as dismayed and horrified as I was when I saw them.

Atchka has suggested a campaign of our own, one that involves e-mails and phone calls to those responsible, asking them to re-consider the tone of their campaign.  I have sent an e-mail to them, which I will share below.  If you care to join in on this campaign, here is the contact information:

Kevin McClelland
Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta
404-785-7600
kevin.mcclelland@choa.org

Stephanie Walsh
404-778-2400
stephanie.walsh@choa.org

Children’s Foundation
1687 Tullie Circle NE
Atlanta, GA 30329
404-785-GIVE
Fax: 404-785-7355
choagiving@choa.org

When you dial the number above, just press 0 to bypass the operator instructions and get to a live human.

Please read my e-mail, and please consider sending one of your own to ask them to turn their campaign into something more positive.  Thank you, everyone.

Dear Mr. McClelland and Ms. Walsh:

I am writing to you to express concern regarding the CHOA's Campaign Against Childhood Obesity. I understand that this campaign comes from an honest desire to see the next generation grow up to be healthier than the current generation, and this is a good starting place. However, I must tell you that I feel that your good intentions are being expressed in a twisted and hurtful manner.

You see, I grew up as one of those children. I was The Fat Girl throughout school, and remain fat to this day despite trying every diet program and workout fad known to man. I even had my insides sliced and diced in the form of a gastric bypass, lost 140 pounds, and have kept them off. Yet I still weigh 360 pounds at this point in time. I know what the Fat Kids go through because I lived it, and I live it still.

I understand what you are trying to do. I really do. I understand that you are trying to reach the adults around these children, that you are trying to guilt and shame them into encouraging their children to have healthier habits and hopefully to have healthier habits themselves. What I think that you are missing, however, is the effect that this body-shaming and guilt will have on the children.

Imagine being a Fat Kid as your family's car or the city bus takes you past one of these billboards. I ask you to imagine what that child will feel, to understand that the children (and the not-Fat-Kids who go to school with the Fat Kids) will not see this as an attempt to get adults to focus on healthy habits. Please understand that these children will see this simply as another instance of telling Fat People that they should be ashamed of themselves and of their bodies. This is adult-sanctioned harassment and teasing, and by having this adult-sanctioned harassment out there for the world to see, you are telling children of all shapes and sizes that it is completely acceptable to tease, to harass, to mentally and physically torture Fat Kids because it is all their fault. You are saying, "We, as medical professionals and authority figures, are telling you children that the Fat Kids deserve it all because they are weak-willed, stupid, and losers. So please, guilt them, shame them, and harass them...and do so while sanctimoniously repeating that it is for their own good."

Mr. McClelland and Ms. Walsh, I wish that you would take that caring, that desire to help children be healthier, and frame it in a more positive way. I wish that you would put up a series of billboards that show children and adults of all sizes enjoying physical activity together. I wish that you would run a series of ads showing children and adults of all sizes growing, preparing, and eating healthy food together, with lean meats and lots of fruits and vegetables being the centerpieces of said meals. I wish that you would help children and adults begin to understand that health is NOT synonymous with weight, and that you cannot, ABSOLUTELY CANNOT, judge a person's willpower or intelligence or worth of any kind simply by looking at them.

These are my wishes, and my hopes. It would be wonderful to see the mudslinging, negative campaign that you are currently endorsing turned into something positive for everyone instead. It would be encouraging to myself and other Fat People to have visible proof that there are medical professionals out there who understand and are honestly concerned with us as patients and whole persons rather than seeing us as failures and weak-willed losers. It would be a step in the right direction to see that there is a medical establishment that truly believes that EVERY person is worthy of respect.

Please consider my words and understand that they come from someone who has fought for nearly 46 years against obesity. I have finally started to learn that my weight and my health are different issues, and that my body is a wonderful thing no matter its size. I have finally started to like and love myself after 46 years of listening to society as it told me that I was only worthy of contempt and / or pity. Please stop teaching children that THEY are only worthy of contempt or pity. Please teach them that they are worthy of love and respect.

Thank you for your time.