Inside the TLV: The Little Voice

TLV:  The Little Voice is that voice inside our heads. Most people have it, I think, though some people's TLV is weaker than others.  I can't speak for all fat people, because everyone is different, but if I had to make a guess, I would say that the majority of fat people have a pretty strong TLV, and sadly, for many of them it is a negative experience.

I know that my TLV is a petty, vindictive bitch whom I actively fight on a constant basis when I am aware of what she is doing.  That does seem to be the hard part, though, being aware of her and her activities.  You see, when a TLV is part of you for so long, and has been reinforced by so many external voices, you sometimes don't even realize that she is whispering in the back of your head.  She's just there, a dark murmur droning into your subconcious without pause.  You don't realize that she is constantly telling you how you deserve to be looked down upon because you are fat.  Your mind doesn't consciously register that she has just whispered about how you are obviously less worthy because you are weak-willed and pathetic because if you weren't weak-willed and pathetic you wouldn't weigh as much as you do.

The TLV has learned all of the best ways to sabotage even my brightest moments. 

I happen to have a beautiful singing voice.  I know, it isn't considered polite to say such things aloud about yourself, but really, I do.  My instrument is warm, with a pleasing timbre, and a pretty big sound.  Yet until recently I had not done any singing beyond singing along with the radio or singing the end of the day song at Scarborough Faire, and I had not done so for well over a decade.  I went to college for voice, and yet I denied myself the joy of singing because my TLV had finally overrun my defenses.  When I would sing, I would think, "That went well." and then my TLV would whisper, "Except for the fact that your breath control still sucks because you're too fat and out of shape to hold a note well for the right length."  or "That high note was wobbly and everyone noticed and whispered about how that is normal for a fat person." or even, "I doubt anyone noticed how well you sang since you couldn't find a decent fat lady dress and you look horrible."

Even now I fight it.  I sing with The Women's Chorus of Dallas and we had our Holiday Concert last month.  Instead of being able to immerse myself into the music and lose myself in the experience, I ended up listening to my TLV go on and on inside my head about how fat my butt is and how we had to turn around to look behind us and the whole audience would be pointing and laughing behind my back because of the wide expanse of glittery fabric covering my posterior region.  Then she whispered about how hard it would be to get my fat body up and down the risers in any sort of graceful manner.  As the music began, my TLV warned me yet again that my fat body could not in any way, shape, or form actually give the kind of breath support that was needed for the music and maybe I should just quit after the concert and save everyone the embarassment.  It would save the Director the embarassment of having to tell me that she couldn't use me any more because I'm not good enough, and it would save the other chorus members the embarassment of being "stuck" near me, and it would save me the embarassment of failing yet again.

And yet I have a beautiful singing voice, a lot of valuable training, and a solid set of musical skills.  But despite all of this, my TLV managed to push me to the point of almost quitting.

Then I realized what was happening and I analyzed TLV's points.  Honestly, with over 50 women in the choir, I doubt that the entirety of the audience was focused on any one person, even when we turned around.  The curtains were closed when we got on and off the risers, so really, grace didn't matter anyway.  I got up and down them, and I did so with only a minor spasm in my knee when I had to jump down from the second level to avoid the children standing on the 1st level.  My breath support COULD be better, but it hasn't got anything to do with my size, it has to do with the fact that I have been shirking on my exercise and that the only thing that will fix breath support issues is cardio, cardio and more cardio!  I could weigh 500 pounds again, but if I had solid cardio I would have the breath support needed to do what needs to be done.

I almost quit something that I love for a second time because I let my TLV get to me.  How many of you have done that?  Let your TLV stop you from trying something new, or continuing something you love, because it whispers to you in the back of your mind about how Fat People CAN'T do things like that?

How many of you have let your TLV stop you from trying something new or continuing something that you love because it whispers to you that WHATEVER your personal weakness is means that you aren't worthy of doing those things?

Take hold of your future, and your dreams.  Pay attention to when your TLV speaks up, even when it is the softest of whispers in the dark recesses of your mind, and counter it EACH AND EVERY TIME.  Do not let your TLV win. 

We are all worthy of doing great things.  We are all capable of experiencing joy and pursuing dreams that we love.

We are NOT our TLVs and we never were.

Stand against your TLV and deliver your dreams to yourself.  I'll make a deal with you, and I will continue to fight my TLV and share the things that I love with you if you do the same.

We are worthy.  We are strong.  We CAN.

Stand 4 Kids

Recently I posted about how a well-intentioned but poorly executed program in Georgia has targetted fat kids as part of an ad campaign to bring attention to the "childhood obesity crisis".  While I can appreciate wanting to encourage children and their families to develop healthy habits, I cannot condone doing so in a manner that uses shame as the primary motivator.  We shouldn't work toward a goal because we are shamed into it, we should try to achieve goals because they are something that we aspire to, that we want because they are positive things.  There is nothing positive about telling children that fat kids are fat because they are weak (Direct quote from billboard ad:  "Big bones didn't make me this way.  Big meals did.").  It only encourages other children (and adults) to treat them poorly based on size.

Luckily, I am not alone in my views.  And thus Stand4Kids was born. 

I am proud to say that I have had an image used to create an ad for the campaign:

If you would like to see the other images that have been created so far, check out the Tumblr pages!

It is important that we teach our children how to make healthy choices in their lives, that we give them the tools that will allow them to build the kind of lives that they WANT to live.  It is important that we do so without giving them the message that they are worth less if they don't meet a set of arbitrary societal standards.

Please check out the links I've given.  Our children will shape the world, and we give them the tools to do so.  Let's give them the tools that will help them succeed at whatever they choose to do, and that will allow them to do so with their self-worth, love for themselves, and love for the world around them intact.

Thank you.

Success, Envy, and Guilt

For those of you who are new to my life, I had a gastric bypass several years ago.  The surgery was a success, medically speaking.  Before the surgery I weighed 500 pounds (give or take a few on any given day).  After the surgery I weighed 340 pounds.  I currently weigh 360 pounds nearly five years later (again, give or take a few on any given day).  This is technically a medical success, as I have lost approximately 140 pounds and kept it off. 

But is it a success?  I still weigh 360 pounds.  I am still super morbidly obese, and yeah, gotta love that term, right?  But hey, it's the correct medical term, so no use getting all snitty about it I say.  So here I am, still super morbidly obese, still not looking like the slender young thing *grin* that the ads all say that I will end up looking like.  Here I am wondering what the hell I did that the Fates hate me so much to keep me locked in this waddling, roly poly pear-shaped lump of flesh.  I mean, did I offend them somehow so that they decided I should never know the joys of walking into a store and buying something off the rack?  Because despite my 140 pound weight loss, I still am too big to shop successfully even at Lane Bryant (the Mecca of Fat Lady Shoppers everywhere)!

It obviously must be me, goes the line of thought.  I have failed.  So many other people have this surgery and end up bouncing around talking about how they're finally living their lives because they can move and bend and run and do all of these things that they couldn't do when they were fat.  It worked for them, they look great, they feel great, they're happy.  Why not me?  What have I done wrong?  Why am I such a failure?

So there's the Success and the Guilt.  Where's the Envy?

I have friends who have had the surgery, and I find myself in the peculiar position of feeling so very happy for them that they have achieved what they set out to do.  They've lost the weight, they've dropped the sizes (in some cases, fewer pounds than I have) and now they are svelte, dainty creatures.  Okay, stop laughing, I know I know.  Very few of my friends are dainty creatures, no matter what their size. *grin*  Mon petite fleurs do not tend to reside amongst my circle of friends, no matter whether the women in question weigh 100 pounds or 500.  We're all pretty strong ladies, really.

But back to Envy.  I love my friends, and I am thrilled that they are happy.  I really am!  But there is that Little Voice in the back of my head that we have talked about before.  The Little Voice (TLV) whispers to me whenever their success is brought up that THEY are Winners and I am a Loser, and not in the weight kind of sense.  They're obviously smarter, stronger, more talented, more brilliant than I am, and I shall always be The Fat Chick who will never be The Pretty One.

I wish that I knew where TLV's originate, because I would SO totally nuke that place from orbit!!!!

Have you ever been in the position of feeling happy for someone else while feeling miserable for yourself because they succeeded where you didn't?  Yeah, it sucks, doesn't it?

And the funny thing is, if we go back to the Success portion of things, I actually DID succeed at the stated goal of the surgery.  I lost almost 30% of my total body weight and I've kept it off.  That technically makes me one of the 5% who lose weight and keep it off.  But oddly, there's no television show offering me thousands of dollars thanks to my Success.  People don't come up to me and ask how I did it.  And there's no sense of satisfaction, only disappointment.

I don't post this because I want people to offer sympathy.  I don't post it because I want my friends to feel like they can't discuss their Success around me.  On the contrary, I LOVE hearing about all of the changes that have come about in their lives, and the happiness that it has given them. 

Really, why I've posted this is because I want to re-focus my thoughts on myself and Health at Every Size.  Logically I get the concepts.  Intellectually it all makes sense.  I'm still fighting the battle of the heart, though.  My brain says to be healthy and just move on, but my heart still has the core of the 17 year old girl who was made fun of all through school, who was openly mocked at her Senior Class Assembly, and who still honestly and truly believes that she's worth nothing because she's fat.

I am working so hard to change that belief into one of worth and love for myself.  Some days I've got it, and some days I don't.  Some days I don't care how wide my hips are because I know that I'm eating right and taking care of my body because it is an awesome thing that does so very much for me.  Some days I fall back into the old way of thinking, hearing TLV talk in the back of my head about how I could lose a few more pounds if I did this, or how much easier an activity would be if I were slender instead of being a blob.  I try, but at times I truly can't help it.  I want to be smaller, not for my health's sake, but because I'm just tired of being fat.

 So I guess that I'm not a Health at Every Size success yet.  I hope that I will be someday.  I hope that I find the balance of eating right, moving, and joy in myself that lets me get up every day knowing that I'm the best Lys that any Lys could ever be.

I'm just not there yet. 

I hope that you all don't think I'm a fraud because I "talk the talk without walking the walk", but I'm trying.  I really am.  And sometimes talking the talk IS walking the walk when it is all that you can manage against The Little Voice inside your head.

Thank you for bearing with me, and riding the rough seas out with me.  I hope that there are calmer swells ahead, but for right now we'll just batten down the hatches, get the bilge pumps going, and keep moving forward one moment at a time.  And if we find ourselves in Guilt or Envy, we'll acknowledge it, then we'll move on, because when it comes down to it, we are all only human and beating ourselves up for having those human moments is counterproductive.

Here's to Success, Joy, and Loving Ourselves as we are!  May we all reach the point where we are feeling these things all of the time!!!

Breaking Our Children, Part Two

In my last post I talked about how a certain weight loss company is targetting children with a "Your kid gets in free if you join!" campaign and how outrageous I felt that was.  Well this week we've got another outrage to discuss.

In a well-intentioned effort to promote childhood health that has gone horribly awry, the Children's Healthcare of Atlanta Foundation has begun a program named Strong4Life, and has begun a series of ads that target childhood obesity.  Now, if they were actually promoting healthy behaviours and treating them as such, I would have no problem with them but unfortunately what they have decided to do is to target Fat Kids with hate and self-loathing, and to exhibit adult, authority figure sanctioned harassment and guilt.  With such examples I have no doubt that the Fat Kids will get the message that they deserve to be teased and tortured, and the not-Fat Kids will get the message that they have every right to make Fat Kids' lives miserable.

For examples of the ads, please see this blog post by atchka.  I think that you will be every bit as dismayed and horrified as I was when I saw them.

Atchka has suggested a campaign of our own, one that involves e-mails and phone calls to those responsible, asking them to re-consider the tone of their campaign.  I have sent an e-mail to them, which I will share below.  If you care to join in on this campaign, here is the contact information:

Kevin McClelland
Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta
404-785-7600
kevin.mcclelland@choa.org

Stephanie Walsh
404-778-2400
stephanie.walsh@choa.org

Children’s Foundation
1687 Tullie Circle NE
Atlanta, GA 30329
404-785-GIVE
Fax: 404-785-7355
choagiving@choa.org

When you dial the number above, just press 0 to bypass the operator instructions and get to a live human.

Please read my e-mail, and please consider sending one of your own to ask them to turn their campaign into something more positive.  Thank you, everyone.

Dear Mr. McClelland and Ms. Walsh:

I am writing to you to express concern regarding the CHOA's Campaign Against Childhood Obesity. I understand that this campaign comes from an honest desire to see the next generation grow up to be healthier than the current generation, and this is a good starting place. However, I must tell you that I feel that your good intentions are being expressed in a twisted and hurtful manner.

You see, I grew up as one of those children. I was The Fat Girl throughout school, and remain fat to this day despite trying every diet program and workout fad known to man. I even had my insides sliced and diced in the form of a gastric bypass, lost 140 pounds, and have kept them off. Yet I still weigh 360 pounds at this point in time. I know what the Fat Kids go through because I lived it, and I live it still.

I understand what you are trying to do. I really do. I understand that you are trying to reach the adults around these children, that you are trying to guilt and shame them into encouraging their children to have healthier habits and hopefully to have healthier habits themselves. What I think that you are missing, however, is the effect that this body-shaming and guilt will have on the children.

Imagine being a Fat Kid as your family's car or the city bus takes you past one of these billboards. I ask you to imagine what that child will feel, to understand that the children (and the not-Fat-Kids who go to school with the Fat Kids) will not see this as an attempt to get adults to focus on healthy habits. Please understand that these children will see this simply as another instance of telling Fat People that they should be ashamed of themselves and of their bodies. This is adult-sanctioned harassment and teasing, and by having this adult-sanctioned harassment out there for the world to see, you are telling children of all shapes and sizes that it is completely acceptable to tease, to harass, to mentally and physically torture Fat Kids because it is all their fault. You are saying, "We, as medical professionals and authority figures, are telling you children that the Fat Kids deserve it all because they are weak-willed, stupid, and losers. So please, guilt them, shame them, and harass them...and do so while sanctimoniously repeating that it is for their own good."

Mr. McClelland and Ms. Walsh, I wish that you would take that caring, that desire to help children be healthier, and frame it in a more positive way. I wish that you would put up a series of billboards that show children and adults of all sizes enjoying physical activity together. I wish that you would run a series of ads showing children and adults of all sizes growing, preparing, and eating healthy food together, with lean meats and lots of fruits and vegetables being the centerpieces of said meals. I wish that you would help children and adults begin to understand that health is NOT synonymous with weight, and that you cannot, ABSOLUTELY CANNOT, judge a person's willpower or intelligence or worth of any kind simply by looking at them.

These are my wishes, and my hopes. It would be wonderful to see the mudslinging, negative campaign that you are currently endorsing turned into something positive for everyone instead. It would be encouraging to myself and other Fat People to have visible proof that there are medical professionals out there who understand and are honestly concerned with us as patients and whole persons rather than seeing us as failures and weak-willed losers. It would be a step in the right direction to see that there is a medical establishment that truly believes that EVERY person is worthy of respect.

Please consider my words and understand that they come from someone who has fought for nearly 46 years against obesity. I have finally started to learn that my weight and my health are different issues, and that my body is a wonderful thing no matter its size. I have finally started to like and love myself after 46 years of listening to society as it told me that I was only worthy of contempt and / or pity. Please stop teaching children that THEY are only worthy of contempt or pity. Please teach them that they are worthy of love and respect.

Thank you for your time.

Breaking Our Children

I was going to write the usual type of holiday season post about not worrying that you may have gained a pound or ten during the season, but nothing was really working right.  I have figured out why.  Apparently, my Muse was wanting me to write a completely different blog today, and she was waiting to throw the perfect combination of inspirations in front of me.

A friend recently posted a link to a blog entry by Dan Pearce (also known as "Single Dad Laughing") about how parents should love their children as they are, and encourage them to grown and explore life rather than doing and saying things that break their child's spirit.  The situation that inspired his post had to do with a father who intimidated his child about behaviour, not weight, but the post still resonated with me in regards to other articles I've seen about parents who shame their overweight children.  Some do it in the hopes that it will encourage their child to lose weight, some just do it because they are cruel, but all of them do it in the mistaken belief that if their child's body doesn't fit a pre-determined set of numbers, their child has failed and their parenting skills are lacking.  Both of these assumptions are incorrect.

But what really got me thinking was an ad that I heard this morning on the radio as I drove in to work.  Amid the songs by Queen and The Clash, there came a commercial touting the life-changing benefits of the Slim for Life program.  I ignored it for the most part, except to occasionally make an ironic comment now and again to myself (since I was the only one in the vehicle at the time).  Then the Big Sell portion of the ad came on, and the announcer exclaimed in their most excited tone, "Kids get a free membership when their parent joins!!!"

*blink*

*blink blink*

I'm sorry, WHAT did you just say?????

I actually had to process the words I had just heard for a few moments before they truly entered my mind.  Immediately following that moment I emitted a string of words that really should not be shared amongst polite company.  I can, however, boil the gist of them down for you:

HOW DARE THEY??????

This company that already preys on the low self-esteem endemic in adults that populate our society has now moved on to preying on children!!!  It's not bad enough that fat kids are already bombarded with thousands of messages every day saying that they are somehow substandard because they have a different body shape.  No, that's not bad enough at all!  Now we have to feed on that self-hatred and get it started at an even younger age by having the parents drag the children to Slim for Life appointments, have the parents say things like, "I'm spending the money on this program, so you need to really work to lose the weight." and "I'm managing to lose weight, how come you can't?  Are you cheating?"

Now parents who already feel worthless in our society and are terrified that their children will have to live with the same stigma will end up adding to the wounds that their children's psyches are already dealing with on a daily basis, and they will do it with the best of intentions.  They will do it with the hope that they will be sparing their child from teasing, from fat-hate, from having a harder time getting hired for a job, from a harder time finding a mate who is worthy of them.  They will do it with the words, "I don't want _________ to have to go through what I went through." 

But we all know what they say about the road to hell, right?

Good intentions of the parents aside, the fact that this company's management has decided to take this course of action, to promote this "special" as a viable program is sick and demented.  They aren't doing it because they're worried about children.  They aren't doing it with good intentions.  Plain and simple, they are doing it to make a buck.  Slim for Life has decided that if they can't get the Fatties in the door for themselves, if they can't get their hands on the Fatties' dollars even after all of their testimonials and ads, then by the GODS they will use GUILT as the prod!!!

"Quick!  Get in here and lose weight with your child!  Otherwise the whole world will see just what a rotten parent you are!!!"

That is the message that Slim for Life is selling, and it nauseates me.

Parents, please don't fall for this marketing scheme.  Please don't break your child that way.  Look at your child and tell them with all of the honesty and love in your heart that you love them just as they are, and that you think that they are beautiful just as they are.  Tell them that no matter how tall they get, how short they stay, how much they weigh, how long their hair is, how many piercings they end up getting, that you love them as they are and that they should love their body too.  Find ways to get them interested in being active if they already aren't, and encourage their activities if they already enjoy movement of some kind.  Make sure that your house has the healthiest foodstuffs that you can afford in the fridge and cupboards.  Let them have a candy bar or piece of cake without giving them the "you don't need that" look or speech.  Encourage them to have a piece of fruit or a salad if that's what they want.

Teach your children that listening to their own bodies is more important than listening to what other people say is right, that if their body is tired they should sleep, if it is hungry then they should eat, and that they should always remember how to play no matter how old they get.

Please don't call Slim for Life and sign your child up for their first official lessons in body shaming and fat hate.  Don't pay total strangers for the privilege of telling your child that they just aren't good enough and never will be unless they take the weight off and keep it off (which they only have a 5% chance of doing).

Love your children just as they are.  They already love you just as you are, so isn't it right to return that love without condition?

Let's stop breaking our children in so many ways.  They are beautiful, and they should continue to know that.

An Open Letter to George Takei

Dear Mr. Takei:

The first thing that I would like to say to you is that I have been impressed by you for a very long time. I always enjoyed your work, and after I read your autobiography, I was impressed with the grace that you handled life especially considering the steps that you have had to take in order to achieve your goals so far.

That is why it is so hard for me to write this note today. It is never easy to find out that someone whom you admire is human and has faults. We are all aware of this in an intellectual way, but when it becomes so very clear that our hearts cannot help but discover it as well, the disappointment is always a shock to the system.

You see, Mr. Takei, I am fat. I came out of the Fat Closet when I was about 8 years old. I was on my first diet before I was 10. Unlike gays and lesbians, Fatties have no choice about coming out, because the whole world can see who and what we are, so the torture begins early and is vicious. I remember having to get on the scale in front of all of the other kids in my class when we did school physicals, and having my weight announced for all of the world to hear. I remember crying into my pillow, trying to smother the sound so that my parents wouldn't hear because while they are loving and caring people, it would have meant that my Mom would have me on another diet because that was all that she could think of that would "help" and the currently mounting evidence that dieting is more harmful than good was not available then. I remember walking up to my locker in high school and seeing fat epithets including words like "Moose" written all over it in black Sharpie marker.

I didn't go to my prom. No one was going to ask the fat girl.

I hoped that when I got out of high school and went to college that things would change, but they didn't.

I hoped that when I got into the work world things would change, but they didn't. I remember working for a mortgage company in their foreclosures/bankruptcy department. I was an excellent employee. Actually, I was such a good employee that I regularly trained other employees in the policies, procedures and laws relating to what we did in our department. When the Team Lead position came open, I applied because I believed that the fact that I had trained everyone in our department showed that not only did I know my stuff, but that I was a talented team builder and leader. I didn't get the position. As a matter of fact, the person who did get the position was someone I had trained only a few months before and who was new to the industry. What she had that I didn't was a small waist.

Mr. Takei, I have spent a large part of my life believing that I have no place in this world. I spent it believing that I was weak-willed, lazy, stupid and that any success I achieved was through accident rather than accomplishment. I truly believed for a time that the world would have been a better place without my presence, and that I had no right to joy or happiness or pride in myself or the things I'd done. And yes, Mr. Takei, there were thoughts that maybe I should remove myself from the world because of who and what I was. Thoughts that people would mourn but that overall they would be relieved that they wouldn't have to deal with me and my fat self any more, that they wouldn't have to be uncomfortable around me any more.

Does any of this sound familiar?

The kinds of thoughts and feelings that the gay and lesbian teenagers you fight for go through the heads of fat children too. Both groups are told on a constant basis that they CHOOSE to be that way, that the only reason they aren't conforming to societal norms is because they are flawed, weak, and that they want to be as they are. Both groups are shamed in front of others on a regular basis, and are seen as valid targets for abuse by peers and authority figures alike. Both groups have former members who are paraded about by those who believe that it is a choice, former members who loudly say, "I did it! Anyone can!"

Both groups have growing bodies of evidence supporting the fact that they do NOT choose to be as they are, that it is as hard-wired in us as having blue or brown eyes, or being short or tall.

Mr. Takei, you have always struck me as a man who cares passionately about fighting injustice, and with good reason considering what you and your family went through in World War II, and what you and the man you love have had to go through most of your adult lives. That is why it came as such a shock to me that you would seemingly just toss aside the concerns that were raised by Fatties on your Facebook page. I really believed that it was just a misunderstanding, that you just hadn't stopped to think about how what you said could be construed as advocating bullying of another targetted group. And then you posted another fat joke the next day.

I cannot adequately express how much this saddens me. I have looked to you as a role model in regards to what one person can do to help change the way that society in general feels, and then I felt betrayed. I hope that I am wrong. I hope that the others who are actively bringing this disparity to your attention are wrong. I hope that you will take the time to consider my words above, perhaps replace the word "fat" with the word "gay" and see if my story is so very different from that of some of the people that you advocate for, and then realize that those of us who are considered to be among the last remaining groups that it is acceptable to be prejudiced against should stick together. We understand each other, Mr. Takei, and we understand how deeply the words and actions of others can cut into the soul, whether the word is "fag" or "fat", there isn't that much difference between us.

I don't know if this message will even reach you, but I have to write it because I have discovered that I am NOT weak, I am NOT stupid or a waste of life, and I have done so against great odds. I have done so despite moments where that doubt returns, and I will continue to carry that discovery forward and do my best to share it with others who have gone or are going through the mental and emotional turmoil that I have survived. I think that you would understand that as well.

I hope that we can stand together against prejudice and hatred of all kinds, Mr. Takei. I would like that very much.

Antici....pation: Not Always The Lead-In to Dancing or Ketchup

Part of the Health at Every Size philosophy is that it is important to find a type of movement that you enjoy, and to make it a regular part of your life.  H@ES does not treat exercise as a punishment, you don't have a hooded figure standing over you with a lash to get your fat ass onto a treadmill because you ate that slice of chocolate cake and DESERVE to be punished.  That's not how it works.  You ate the slice of chocolate cake because it tasted good, and you wanted it, and you stopped when you didn't want any more.  The treadmill and that cake have nothing to do with each other.

So therein lies my problem.  I have a hard time finding movement that I actually enjoy doing.  Well, that's not really true.  I have lots that I enjoy doing when I'm actually doing it, but I don't anticipate doing it.  The distinct lack of anticipation makes it really hard to get myself out there and doing movement.  Once I'm on the treadmill, in the pool, doing yoga, or Wii / Kinecting, I actually enjoy it.  But when I think about doing it, I find all of the excuses possible to put it off.  I don't want to go in the morning, because I hate getting up any earlier than I have to.  I don't want to go after work because it has already been a long day and if I go to the gym after work, I won't get home til around 8 or 9 p.m. since I get out of work around 6.  I don't take a lunch, so that is out.  Even if I do manage to convince myself that I WILL do something after work, the truck takes over and drives straight home rather like a horse returning to the barn for evening feeding time.  Then I walk in the door and instead of doing one of the many options at home for movement, I find myself diving right into cooking dinner then a little housework, then onto the computer and oh my goodness it can't be bedtime already!

I think that is the problem for a lot of people who are trying to find their way to a healthy lifestyle.  It isn't living the lifestyle itself that is the problem, it is finding the energy to make the changes necessary to be healthy.  They always have the option to actively choose to not be healthy, and for those who do choose that option, it is not my place to judge them to be right or wrong.  Your body, your call, that's how that works.  No one has the right to tell someone else that they HAVE to live a healthier life.  But for those who want to do so and can't seem to manage it, life can get frustrating.

Have you ever wanted something so badly but found yourself finding excuses not to try for it?  Don't tell me that you haven't, because everyone does it at some point in their life.  Some people find their way around that roadblock, but some are stuck there, trying to peek around or over it to see what is on the other side, never able to get a good enough handhold to pull themselves past.  That is really bad enough, but then you get the Helpful People, who truly believe that "Anyone can do it!  Look at me!" and commence with the inspirational stories about how Aunt Millie was so out of shape that she couldn't take five steps without a respirator, but she pulled herself up by the bootstraps and just finished her fifteenth tri-athalon yesterday!  In a more detached moment I can appreciate that they are a Helpful Person, who is trying really hard to just Be Helpful.  They aren't doing it to be cruel or to make light of the roadblock, they really feel that it is just a case of mind over matter.

For some that works.  Watching back to back to back episodes of "The Biggest Loser" may actually get some people out there, moving and eating better.  (Let's not debate the merits and drawbacks of that show now, folks.  I understand that a lot of the Fatosphere hates the training methods and lack of follow-through that the show offers, not to mention the completely unrealistic circumstances that the contestants find themselves in.  Not many of us can quit our jobs for 6 months and focus on exercising for 4 to 8 hours per day, not that this would be a healthy thing to do anyway.  I get it.  Different column there, though!)  But if the inspiration is there for you, and it works for you, that is awesome!  Unfortunately, not everything works the same way for everyone. 

Hey...isn't that rather like the fact that not every BODY is the same?  So while some can lose weight following the adage of "Calories in should be fewer than calories out.", other people's bodies don't work that way.  And while some people can get up off the couch, start walking today, and do a marathon next month, not every body works that way.  While some people can say, "Tomorrow I'm going to start getting up at 5 a.m., go to the gym, and then go to work every day." and accomplish that goal, not everyone has it that easy.

And so we find ourselves back where I started:  wanting to move, and yet not wanting to move. 

I can hear you now, oh Faithful Readers.  You are saying, "Ummmmm...Lys?  You typed all of that out only to end up where you started?  What was the point of all of this, then, anyway???"

The point is that this is something that no one can really help me with, and really, it is something that no one can help ANYONE with.  You can't decide that your husband, your wife, your child or your great aunt thrice removed on your mother's father-in-law's side should be exercising more.  You can't push them to go find something active to do and use guilt or bullying to achieve that.  You can't hit them with Helpful Advice or Inspirational Stories until they fall to their knees and beg for mercy.  For a large number of people, these kinds of things only lead to that rebellious voice in the back of their mind telling them, "If they're so gung-ho about exercising, let THEM go do it. We aren't going to be pushed into ANYTHING!  Here...let's sit on the couch and watch cartoons.'

So if you really want to show your love and caring for the person in your life who is dealing with this dilemma, let them know that you are there for them.  Tell them that you support them in whatever they decide to do.  Encourage them to make their own choices, to explore their own options, and to be happy with themselves as they are.  Being happy with yourself as you are doesn't preclude making changes, it doesn't mean giving up as some folks would like us to think.  Being happy with yourself is just that...being happy.  Be happy with yourself when you are moving, be happy with yourself when you are watching another episode of "Top Chef".  Be happy with yourself, love yourself, and you will end up surprising yourself because we are much more likely to take good care of the things that we like and to ignore the things that we don't like.

Now, here I sit, finishing typing this and looking at the clock.  It is late, I am tired.  I will not get up early tomorrow and go to the gym.  I know this without question.  I think, though, that I'm one step closer to getting my head into the right place to start anticipating movement.  I hope so.  I want to feel happy with moving, I want to have the breath control that will let me sing more than a measure and a half without needing to gasp for air.  I want to feel good when I move.  I haven't felt that in a while now.

Yeah...getting closer.  I hope that you are closer to being happy with yourself too.  Because between you and me, I believe that you are pretty damned awesome right now, just as you are, and that if you choose to make changes in your life, then you will still be pretty damned awesome but will just be PDA in a different flavour than you are now.  So you go, you Neopolitan Wonder, you!  See you on the Happy, Awesome Side!